My therapist said I had too.....

My therapist said I needed to write. I know she is right, its just so very painful. She said, and I know, that I can't move on until I let go. It sucks. I hate being stuck in my issues, but the pain of confronting them seems unbearable. She also said, and she is right, that if I don't process these issues now, they will rear their ugly head in a new relationship, and my new partner will be paying the price for the sins of my former husband.

So how about a quick update. The divorce will be final any day now. All the paperwork is submitted, and its just awaits the judge's signature. I have very mixed emotions about that.

First its a divorce I never wanted. I wish that things were different. I wish that things were as they used to be. I wish we were still a family, at least a family together under one roof. But that is not how this chapter ends.

I have always held out a degree of hope that ex-husband would come to his senses and realize that in his new life, although he may be "authentic" he not any better or happier than he was married to me. I know he is not happier, he has told me. While we were married he was always searching for what would make him happy, never satisfied with what was. He is still searching and will probably continue this search for the remainder of his life. His mother admits he has been that way his entire life.

The small degree of hope that things could possible return to how they were died today. I became aware of just how much our lives have drifted apart. He is not even a person I recognize. Its makes me very sad. I loved the person I married. He was my best friend. Now to me he is a person who provided the DNA for my kids, and not much more. He is doing things and crossing boundaries he told me he would never cross. As painful as it is to know those things about him, its also a good thing. I need the death of hope to allow me to close this chapter and move forward, with the knowledge I did, I tried, I hoped, that this marriage would survive.

So sometime next week with the finalized papers arrive in the mail I will see it as a door closed, with hopefully a new door opening.

Prayer

Anger. You got that in the last post. The thing I struggle with more than anything else is how to manager that anger? I know the potential anger has to do significant and long term damage. I have to have a relationship with him on some level, because we had three kids together, one of which is only three. We have a lot of years of raising kids together still ahead of us.

Most of all I don't want my children to carry the burden of my anger. It is my emotion. I own the emotion, I own the feeling. Its mine to work through. Its mine to process. How do you manager and process that anger in a way that is constructive, yet does the least amount of damage? I. don't. know.

What I do know is that yelling and screaming at him only provides a momentary release and never results in a positive outcome. I know that keeping it bottle up inside means that it comes out projected onto other people and situations that don't deserve that wrath. I know that I can't move forward until I move through the anger.

It's weighed heavily on my mind. Last week I was sitting in Relief Society soaking up the lesson on prayer. Toward the end of the lesson the teacher read a scripture that discussed praying for your enemies. Now I don't consider soon to be ex husband an enemy, but the idea is the same. To pray for, and about those that have offended you. Is this the magic pill to make the anger go away? I doubt it. But I do think it helps to soften the heart. I think it helps in allowing the anger to process. I think it helps in allowing the atonement to take hold and heal.

Its the first step.

Things that SUCK about being single...

Being single just flat out sucks. It especially sucks when you have a gallbladder attack at 11:30 p.m. and need to go to the emergency room, and then four days later your basement floods due to a broken sprinkler line.....

Seriously. Like life is not hard enough already?????

Anger.

It has hit, and it has hit with a vengeance. Anger. I knew it was coming. I knew it was inevitable. I knew it was part of the process, part of the grieving process. I knew that without feeling it, without working through it, I could not move forward. I still hate it.

I hate being consumed with such a negative emotion. I hate feeling anger toward a person I loved and still love. I hate that I have to feel this way to heal. I hate knowing that by processing this emotion it will change how I feel about him and us forever. I hate the potential it has to do so much damage.

Yet I am mad. I am mad that he has seemingly just pranced off to his new life without a care in the world, and not the least bit sad at what threw away or left behind. I hate that he gets to go off and be "authentic" while I am left doing all the work of raising the kids and being the responsible person. I hate that he has left me with a lot of sucky options for the future, most of which involved me being alone. I hate the deep and wounding emotional pain I feel. I hate feeling like the pain will never end.

I hate his new life. I hate how he continually has to tell me how wonderful his new life is. I hate that apparently ever good thing that happened with us was either a lie, or so insignificant to the wonderful things that are going on in his life right now.

I hate that he trashed my life, and seemingly gets off scott free with little or no consequences. I hate that every time he does have to suffer any sort of consequence he feels like its sooooo unjust to HIM.

I hate that I hate.

Mother's Day....

I have a love hate relationship with Mother's Day. It began 20 years ago when my mom passed away of cancer at the ripe old age of 46. For the next 10 years I would dread the holiday, because while everyone was talking about their wonderful mothers, and doing things for their wonderful mothers, I only wished I had a mother still around to be a part of my life. Sacrament meeting was always down right painful, and usually left me in tears.

10 years after my mother died I became a mom, and my outlook on Mother's Day changed. I loved and still love being a mom. My husband was always really good about making sure I was spoiled on Mother's Day. You see for me Mother's Day was a bigger deal than my birthday. I feel like my birthday is a date on a calendar, determined by more than anything else by a date 9 months earlier when my parents were apparently enjoying themselves.....I really did not have a whole lot to do with the situation. Now Mother's Day on the other hand, well I feel like I earn that holiday.

That still does not mean that Mother's Day was without pain. Four years ago on Mother's Day I had to teach the Relief Society lesson and it was on death. Oh yeah that was fun...so you can see how the holiday of Mother's Day seems to follow me like a dark cloud.

Since soon to be ex husband and I separated (FYI divorce paperwork filed last week, so he really is soon to be ex husband), I now face Mother's Day alone. Its a working holiday for me. It never dawned on me until I became a single parent that being a single parent on a holiday that celebrates being a parent SUCKS! (What I am saying is next year for Mother's Day, think about those single moms you know and realize that while all the world is celebrating mothers, and showering mother's with attention, single moms of young children are silently and quietly doing the same work they do every. single. day.)

I really was not looking forward to attending church today and hearing the men in the ward speak about how wonderful their wives are and what great mothers they are, all while I am struggling alone to keep my children entertained in Sacrament meeting.

We arrived a few minutes early, sat in our usual spot, and waited for the meeting to begin. After a few announcements the opening song began, Love at Home. Half way into the first verse I saw a good friend get up and leave the chapel crying. We were far enough in the back that I doubted very few people saw her. I watched her walk out of the chapel, and head toward the bathroom. It dawned on me the hymn we were singing was the very hymn she sang with her family, nearly 7 years ago while her 18 year old daughter died of cancer. I knew immediately I had to leave and go find her. I asked my 9 year old to sit quietly with the other children and I excused myself. As I was walking to the bathroom it dawned on me that Mother's Day is a hard day for a lot of women, for a lot of different reasons.

I entered the bathroom, looked under the stalls and saw her shoes. I told her I was there and she immediately opened the door and we hugged. Her life was not easy before her daughter died of cancer and it has not been easy since. In that brief moment we both understood that Mother's Day not only celebrates what we have, but also represents a loss of what we no longer have, but wish we did.

Like I said I have a love hate relationship with Mother's Day.

Alone - Part one

Whether or not you are in or out of a MOHO marriage, you are alone. I am not sure one is better than the other. They both SUCK.

For me when I was married, during the last year that we lived together, although we were physically together as a couple, he had "checked" out of the marriage. He had admitted he was gay, and was exploring a whole new set of feelings and emotions that I was not a part of. It became a very incomplete marriage. As I contemplated our future, I knew that if we did stay together, he would never be "there." He would always wish and want to be elsewhere, perhaps not all the time, but it would be a repeated issued. His coming out in many ways made me go in. For the first six months I told no one. After that it was limited to a very few select members of my family, and after about 8 months my two best friends.

Why did I wait? I needed time. I needed to see how this was going to play out, without the input of others. Also this was not entirely my story to tell. In large part it was my ex-husband's story as well. I could not tell his story without his permission. (Note, he did not ask that of me, I felt that way.) Because so few people knew, I carried this burden alone. Even when others knew, I still carried this burden alone, because while they could be compassionate, they honestly had no clue the depths of emotion I felt.

So there I sat in my marriage, alone. No partner, no friend, only a person who was changing before my eyes. Even as I accepted the changes I was still alone. Alone in the fact that I could not provide or give to him what he needed. Alone in the fact that I would NEVER be able to provide or give him what he needed.

Just so very alone.

Broken

I feel very broken right now. I don't feel whole. I feel like a shattered person. How can I not? Nearly everything I have known has changed or been challenged in the last two years.

In. Every. Aspect. Of. My. Life.

I want to heal, I really do, but life just seems to be getting in the way of healing. I feel like I am in the middle of cyclone, with objects continually being thrown at me. I deflect one object, only to have another object come hurling toward me. And I am left wondering how long can I continue to deflect objects? Will the objects ever stop coming? Will they slow down? At some point in time, aren't the objects going to run out?

I think I have reached my maximum capacity to deal with life and something new happens and I realize I have to reach, I have to grow, I have to extend and expand myself further than I thought possible. And I do it.

In this reaching, expanding, and growing, I am not alone. Quite often I feel alone, but I am not alone. I have good friends, I have family members that love me, but most importantly I have a Heavenly Father who knows, who understands, who care. But most importantly, who loves.

Tender mercy....

Its spring break right now and as a result the kids and I are enjoying some relaxing "down" time, not only because school is not in session, but also all their activities for the week are also on break.

All day today I kept thinking I needed to get some hamburger out of the freezer for dinner. As the day wore on, and I got distracted I never made it to the freezer. Around 4:30 I decided I needed to head to the grocery store and pick up some unfrozen meat for dinner. My original plan was to go to a store that is about a two miles from my house. There is a grocery store that is much closer, its a very small store, and EVERYONE from my neighborhood shops there, and quite frankly I had not gotten in the shower yet, and just really didn't feel like seeing anyone. (I told you we were being lazy!) As I was driving down the hill, I made a last minute decision to go to the store closest to my house.

I walked in, and was literally only 20 feet in the door when I ran into a woman in my ward. This particular women is a school teacher, so she too was on spring break. This women has a gay husband. I have known for about a year her husband was gay, because my ex-husband and her husband have a mutual friend in common. Up until last fall she did not know my husband was gay. Several months ago when both of us realized we were "soul" sisters, or at least members of an exclusive club, we agreed to get together and talk. It never happened, because of well, life. As a teacher she is exceptionally busy during the school year, and well I already told you what the last few months of my life have been like.

I stood there in the produce section, we connected. Finally a moment together when we were not encumbered by kids, work, church, or life. We shared, we cried, she understood, I understood.

Although our husbands have chosen different paths, (she and her husband are still together and both active in the church) we knew the pain we both felt. She is further along in her journey than me, and gave me some words of comfort.

After about a half hour we departed, and as I drove home I could not help but feel an overwhelming amount of love from my heavenly father for allowing our paths to cross today.

Forgiveness....

So often over the course of the last few years this journey has seemed like it has been all about my ex-husband. His admitting he was gay, his coming out, his changing, his leaving, his becoming an "authentic" person. HIM, HIS, HIM.

What about me? I have often left felt left behind, as he has ventured forward, brought new ideas and people into my life and expected me to accept unconditionally. Quite often any feelings I have had on the matter have been brushed away or set aside, as inconsequential, and trivial.

But this journey is not just about HIM, its about ME as well. Its about me learning, growing, struggling, and becoming a better person. For me its about forgiveness. I have to forgive him. I have to take all the angry, hate, and feelings of betrayal, and work through those emotions, so I can forgive. I can't heal until I can forgive. That is MY journey.

Obligations

Recently ex-husband and I were having a discussion about the finishing touches of our divorce. He made a comment to me, without even realizing what he said or the impact on me, but it was reflective of his mind set.

He said: "I will be glad when this is all done, so I don't have to feel obligated any more"

It stung. That is what I am. That is what I represent. An obligation. He married me because the he felt "obligated" to, after all that is what good little obedient returned missionaries do. He had kids because he felt "obligated" to, after all that's what good little obedient Mormon men do. He fulfilled his husbandly duties because he felt "obligated", not even going to touch that one....

So sorry I had to be his "obligation." All I ever wanted to be was his wife.

Twisted....

I have never had a living room. Yes I have a house in my room that would normally be considered a living room, however ex-husband has had a rather large musical instrument in the room. Recently ex-husband made arrangements to remove the large musical instrument from the room and I will soon have a living room for the first time since I have lived in this house.

In addition to the large musical instrument in that room, I had a love seat and chair that are part of a set, which includes a couch, but there was no room for the couch. I am quite excited to move the couch into the room and it will be the first time this set of furniture has actually been all together in one room. Now I had always envisioned that I would paint this room a lovely egg shell blue and have a very elegant room. However the furniture is sage green, and cream, (the RC Willey special), so a blue room is just not going to work.

I decided a nice shade of yellow would be the right choice. In addition to painting the living room, I have always wanted to have a red dining room, so I figured since I was going to paint the living room I might as well paint the dinning room at the same time. (I will be painting both myself. Painting is one of those things for me that is relaxing and calming. I call it cheap therapy, especially since both rooms will probably only take about a gallon of paint each.) So I set about on Friday night to find just the right shade of yellow, with a red that was complementary, because the rooms are next to each other.

I selected three different shades of red and three different shades of yellow. I brought my samples home, taped them to the wall, and selected one of each color. I placed my samples on the kitchen counter so I could return to Home Depot and purchase my paint. A short time later ex-husband came over to pick up the kids and saw the paint samples on the counter. He knew I had painting on my agenda, and asked if these were the colors I had chosen. I told him "yes" and he kind of got this funny look on his face and then proceeded to tell me that his partner had chosen the EXACT same colors for two rooms that they recently re-painted in their house......

Proving again that if I had a penis I would have been prefect......

Something just clicked....

I have spent the last three and one half months in the fetal position, under a blanket, wanting to hide from the world, hoping that I will wake up and discover it was all a dream. Except every day I wake up and it appears that it is not a dream but rather a nightmare.....

Its been rough.

Its been hard, its been the hardest damn thing I have ever done in my whole entire life.

But I am alive.

In early December the largest client for our business informed ex-husband and me (I am now calling him ex-husband, although its not finalized yet, I have the papers, and its only a matter of time.) that in two years when our contract is up with them, they will not be renewing. And between now and then, they will be slowly phasing us out....not exactly good news. (Now I could go into all the juicy details as to how this occurred, and trust me its a whopper of a good story, but lets just say it started by my aunt gossiping to her former mission companion about the sexual orientation of my husband. Only problem the son of my aunt's former mission companion works for our business's largest client...) That decision left us scrambling, changing our entire business plan and model overnight. Also left ex-husband a wreck. Not only because he was "outed" to our largest client, but he also happens to work for our largest client as an employee, in addition to the product we provide to the client, so EVERYONE at work found out. Also our business and what we do for the client is like a child to him. He built it with his blood, sweat and tears, and to see it thrown away in such a clavier manner, was quite a blow to his self esteem.

The silver lining, it has forced us to reexamine our business in a manner we might not have otherwise done. We can change, we can grow, and I see passion returning to ex-husband regarding the business that I have not see for a while. Do we have rough spots ahead, of course, actually its more like landmines....hopefully we will be heavily forfeited.

A week after learning of the changes to our business, my father passed away unexpectedly. I am the oldest sibling, my mother passed away 20 years ago, so a significant amount of the responsibility fell upon my shoulders. And this was right before Christmas. Silver lining in this cloud...I must have known on some level that my December was going to be significantly interrupted because I was ready for Christmas by December 8, right before all the insanity started.

Christmas....oh boy....ex-husband basically no show Christmas Eve, wanted to attend activities at his new church, then showed up for three hours on Christmas morning as the kids opened presents and then left to go spend the day with his partner and his partner's family, leaving me alone with the kids. This on the heals of my father's death.....talk about feeding into my abandonment issues.... Silver lining, sent him a snarky text after he left outlining how his kids would recall this Christmas, and that a memory of him would NOT be part of their recollection. He got the point, has been a much better father. (Partner not too happy, thinks ex-husband spends too much time with kids and cow-towing to what I want involving the kids. Partner does not have children and didn't have much contact with his father after his parents divorced and thinks that's how all divorces should be. I don't F---ing care what partner thinks, the kids came before HE did. Also snarky text ruined their Christmas together...hee, hee, hee!)

In laws.....my ex-father in law works for our business. Thinks I am out to screw ex-husband over in divorce. Ex-husband's father was the first person ex-husband came out to, and the response of the father, was "You need to divorce _____(insert my name), but you can't tell her that you are gay, you must make up some other story, otherwise she will have your balls on a platter." That was two years ago. Still waiting for the screwing to start....keeps telling ex-husband I am playing mind games with him and its only a matter of time before I take all his money. Thinks I am a controlling shrew, who emasculated my ex-husband. (Probably blames me for making him gay....)

Silver lining, I know this is not about me, it is about ex-father's in laws divorce from his first wife, who did screw him over. He carries a lot of emotional baggage from that experience and is oh so willing to project his baggage on to me.... Its just hard to continually hear what a shrew I am, and how no one in the family likes me.... Did I mention the divorce is a STIPULATED decree because ex-husband and I agreed on EVERYTHING? But you know I am a shrew out to screw ex-husband over.... I also happen to be the shrew who owns 50% of the business he works for.....at least he works there for the moment.....I mean if he has given me the title, shouldn't I earn it????? (FYI, ex-husband none to happy about father's attitude toward me, because he gets the same attitude to him. Didn't you know that macho fathers DON'T have gay children?)

Work, OUT OF CONTROL. My job is tied to economy, as in my case load dramatically increases the worse the economy is. Working in excess of 40 hours a week, plus being a single parent.

Now you know why I haven't blogged for three months and why I have wanted to hide under a blanket in the fetal position. It has by far been the worst depression I have ever experienced. I could not sleep at night, I would get about 3-4 hours of sleep at night before I had to get up with the kids, hence I wanted to sleep all day. I only took a shower every other day, and sometimes I went longer than that.... I had no motivation to do anything other than lay on the couch. If there was a worst, most disconnected mother of the year award, I would be a top nominee, I gained 15 pounds, I did nothing around the house, other than the minimum to get by, my children frequently ate cold cereal for breakfast, lunch and dinner....I have no clue how I managed to stay employed during this time period....although that was one thing I did focus VERY hard on.

Something clicked 10 days ago. I don't know what. My planner was dusted off. All of the sudden I felt the urge to make lists, to accomplish things, to clean the garage out??? I started taking a shower every day. I put on make-up and did my hair every day. I slept at night instead of during the day. I got re-acquainted with my treadmill. I got re-acquainted with my children. I decided they needed to eat something other than cold cereal. I played with my children, and relished in their noise, instead of barking at them to be quite and go downstairs to the basement.

Its good to be back.