Sunday, October 5, 2008

Self Esteme

The nights are the worst. Everyone is in bed and the house is quiet, and I am left to my own thoughts. I have been listening to a lot of music and thinking, which is good. I have also been doing a lot of reading, not fun reading, reading on mixed orientation marriages, gay issues etc. Just stuff I need to think about. I really have been at a very bad place emotionally, and I know it. I am usually so strong and I am feeling crushed and weak. I feel like my self esteem has taken a nose dive. In many ways it has. I had what I thought was a good marriage, with a husband who was heterosexual. That reality came to an end March 23, 2008 and its made me question everything in my life. How could I not see what was right in front of my face? It’s my job to see situations and judge, yet I was blinded by my own life. How could the person who claims to love me, LIE to me for all these years and I not see it? Was it there for me to see and I just refused to open my eyes, because if I did not see it I would never have to face it. I don’t know, but I do know I am feeling pretty crappy about myself. Did he every love me romantically? Was I ever sexy to him? Was it all a game? He says he love me and wants to say together, does he really mean it or is he just saying that because he wants to have his cake and eat it too? I must be a pretty stupid person to not see this in 10 years of marriage and 7 years of dating. How could I do this to myself and my children? What an idiot I am. That is why I feel crappy about myself….

To the outside world I put on a great show, probably should win an academy award for my performance. The only evidence of how crappy I feel about myself is my weight gain. I can’t quite eating, and I know it is for emotional reasons. After all if your husband tells you he is attracted to men, it really does not do a lot to help you feel good about your body. I know it is about him, not me, but I FEEL like it is about me. I feel like it is a totally rejection of me physically, so why not comfort myself with food? I know if I were to eat healthy and exercise I would feel better about myself, but right now I want to have a pity party, so I do nothing. I know it has to, and needs to end…and I need to pick myself up off the ground, dust myself off, and forge ahead. Maybe tomorrow…..

Thursday, October 2, 2008


Recently I wrote about expectations and how my husband hates when I have expectations of him, because he feels like he will never measure up. I really don’t think my expectations are overly demanding or unreasonable, and the more I look at our situation I realize that he probably is not capable of meeting those expectations and it really has nothing to do about me and how much he loves me.

In an effort to let go of what will never be I will share with you some of what I have I now realize will never be, because it never has been. When we go out somewhere together and he has parked the car and is half way in the door before I have barely gotten out of the car. Ok that is a little exaggerated, but he never walks with me he is always several steps ahead of me. I would love it if he would just slow down, realize I am there, and want to walk by my side, not ahead of me. Another example, he will hold my hand if I grab his, but it will only last for a minute or two until he feels like he has held it sufficiently long enough to let go. I would love it if he would pick up my hand and hold it because he wants to be physically close to me, and enjoys holding my hand. He never sits by me on the couch, he picks a different couch. I will go over and sit by him and sometimes he will put his arm around me, other times he will just sit there wondering how long must he endure. I cuddle with him, he does not cuddle with me. I give him back rubs, he does not give me back rubs. I long for him to be affectionate with me. I know he is capable of affection, because I see him with our children, he is just not capable of it with me.

Looking back I should not be surprised. He was the only guy I ever dated whom I did not have to consistently remove his hands from my body. He would not even kiss me. When I asked him about this he told me he was scared he would lose control. At the time it made sense, now it does not. He was more affectionate with me when we first got married than he is now, but it has never been like other guys I dated. In the last two years as he has been admitting his same sex attraction issues the affection between us has nearly completely died off. Sex is a physical release, and nothing deeper. I struggle in telling myself this is about him not me, but it is hard, because it feels like such a rejection of me.

I want more in a relationship, and with him I will not have that. If I stay with him I give up ever having that physical closeness that comes from being affectionate. I don’t know if I am willing to give up that expectation, but I also don’t know if I am willing to give him up.