Sunday, August 30, 2009

More change.

In my last post I spoke about our decision to finalize our divorce. One thing I did not speak about was one of the reasons why......

Earlier in the year STBEH (soon to be ex-husband) met someone. His name is "T." I have not met T, but my children have, and they really like him. They have not spent a significant amount of time around T simply because STBEH did not want them to get too attached until he and T had decided the course that their relationship would take. I appreciated that.

Over the course of several months they have been working on their relationship and have reached the point where STBEH and T are seriously considering moving in together when the lease on STBEH's house is up at the end of November. They don't want to take that step until our divorce is finalized. I not only appreciate that, I respect that. But it does not make it easy.

I have not met T yet, primarily out of STBEH not wanting to hurt me even more, and wanting me to meet T when I felt ready. I need to get ready. T is going to play an increasing and larger role in STBEH's life, as well as the life of my children. I know there are going to be awkward moments, especially at first as we feel each other out. I know it is going stressful for STBEH as he brings together two people that he deeply loves in a desire that they can find some common ground to be friends. That in time we can all come together and be a part of each others lives.

For me its going to require more courage than just about anything I have faced in my life. I need to be an example to my children. As much as they like and enjoy "T" to them he is just a friend of daddy's. They don't understand that it is more than that. I need to be ok with it, so they can be ok with it.

I told STBEH that I needed time. Time to digest, time to process, time to accept. STBEH told me to take all the time I wanted, and I did not have to do anything until I felt ready.

I knew that it was only a matter of time before STBEH would be in a new relationship. He needs this relationship for him to continue to grow, develop and discover who he is. I want him to continue to grow develop and discover who he is. From everything I know about "T" he is a good guy. He seems very stable, not into drama, mature, he grounds STBEH. More importantly he really loves our kids, and is looking forward to being more involved in their lives. STBEH told me that T is the male version of me, I took that as a compliment.

I guess I always hoped that it would be me to have the first new relationship. I thought it would be easier for me to accept a new person in his life if their was someone for me. But like most of life, you hope, you plan, then you take what comes and accept it. Hopefully you accept it with grace and dignity.

Will be working on that.

Sunday, August 23, 2009


A few weeks ago I looked around and realized I had adjusted to the "new normal" and it was nice. It was short lived. The thing about "normal" is it never stays "normal" for long, as change is introduced. Change came this weekend, and reminded me that normal is a journey, not a destination.

I was having a discussion with my STBEH (soon to be ex-husband), during which we agreed that we needed to stop sitting on the fence and file our divorce, before the end of the year. We have agreed on everything, and already divided everything, so it really is just a formality that we have the stipulated agreement prepared, signed and submitted to the judge. Admittedly its been something I have been avoiding. It is formally signifies the end. And in my mind it carries a certain stigma.

I have 17 cousins on my dad's side of the family, ranging in age from 25-57 and I am the first one to get divorced.

I have 24 cousins on my mom's side of the family ranging in age from 18-41, and there is only one divorce among them

You can see statistically speaking my family does not fall in line with the national average for divorce rates, and it is important to note that NO ONE in my family is or has judged me or my situation, but the sting and stigma still exists in my mind. Its like saying "Hey, guess what I failed at marriage!" Just put a big "looser" label on my head. "Yes my I know my kids will be screwed up for the rest of their natural lives because we couldn't work it out." I also know that all of this is completely irrationally thinking, but I think it none the less.

I also know that anticipation is probably worse than the actual deed its self.

Finally I know that I am very blessed. I have a great relationship with my STBEH, and with both put the interest of our children first, which I know will mitigate the disappointment they will feel when everything is finalized as they try to continue to adjust to the new normal.

It is a journey not a destination.

Sunday, August 16, 2009

The Dance

Twelve years ago today my husband and I were married. It was the happiest day of my life. I had loved him for years, wanted to marry him for years, and finally the time and circumstances were right.

Like most brides on their wedding day I could not have foreseen the road that laid ahead, nor would I have really wanted to know. I was blissfully happy to be marrying a wonderful man, whom I loved deeply. I had meticulous planned every detail of the wedding and reception, and everything went off without a hitch, turning out just as I had planned. If only you could plan life the way you can plan weddings....

As the years went by I learned to love him even more as we built our life together and had our three wonderful children. That is not to say we were not without problems and challenges, like EVERY marriage. That is not to say I did not make mistakes, and he did not make mistakes.

Time marched on and we have found ourselves at a cross road. My love for him has not changed, nor his love for me. What has changed is the nature of our relationship. Its emotionally intimate but not physically intimate. We have concluded that being friends is right for us, but being married is not.

This is the first anniversary I have spent apart from him. This is the first anniversary we have not physically expressed our love to each other, but it does not diminish in my mind the wonderful years we have had together. All evening Garth Brook's song "The dance" has been playing in my head for I truly believe that had I known 12 years ago what he future would bring, yes I would have missed the pain, but I also would have missed the dance.

Here's to 12 years of dancing.

Saturday, August 8, 2009

Random Connections.

Last summer in the midst of all the craziness of my life, I made a connection. A connection with a man, who was not my husband. He had a post on an Internet site, and I read it, and I immediately connected with it. I inherently understood what he was saying. I recall debating whether to send him an email, thinking to myself this was one of the more ridiculous things I had done. This guy was a total stranger, could be a stalker for all I knew, but yet deep down I knew he wasn't. I hit the "send" button.

A week of emailing back and forth and my connection was confirmed. We connected on so many levels, it was a bit unnerving that I could randomly meet someone I nearly instantly fell in love with. He made me laugh at a time when laughing was not part of my daily routine. He made me smile when I saw a new email from him, he made me feel safe and protected an allowed me to express anything and everything I was feeling without risk of retribution or judgement. He allowed me to cry. He was a friend. A friend who understood, a friend whom I connected to.

He is the heterosexual version of my husband. Its freaky when he expresses his struggles, and his emotions. On more than one occasion the words coming out of his mouth are the very same words I have heard from my husband. I guess that is probably one of the reason I feel connected to him, he is familiar. But at the same time he has many qualities that are very different from my husband, and are uniquely connected to me. We think alike. Within a very short period of time we could almost finish each others sentences. We have a connection in many ways I can't even begin to describe....I just feel its existence.

But.........he is married. (As you can imagine if he is talking to me there are issues there.....)

I know I shouldn't have, I know it is wrong, but I also know that he came into my life during a very dark period and provided the only existing light. I needed him, I depended on him.

It got too intense, too quickly, and we took a break for 6 months. No contact. It was hard. But I needed to know for me, if what I felt was situational or real, and I think he needed to decided that as well. Six months to the day up pops and email from him. He didn't forget, nor did I.

Future????????? Question: Is anything random?????