Sunday, May 24, 2009

The Demon.

Being married to a gay man or nearly formerly married, to a gay man, brings its own unique set of challenges. The biggest struggle for me has been how I feel about myself. It’s hard not to take my husband’s sexual rejection of me personally, and realize it is about him and not me because it feels like it is all about ME. I will never forget the last time we made love, it was our wedding anniversary, and I practically had to beg him. I felt cheap, I felt rejected, I felt unloved. It hurt then, it still hurts now. It’s a hurt I wonder if I will ever get over.

It leaves me feeling vulnerable, ugly, and wondering what value I have. Things were not always that way. For the first few years of our marriage, sex was really good. (Not that I had anything to compare it to) He was very thoughtful of me and made sure I enjoyed myself. He would get aroused just cuddling with me. I know he was not faking things. I know he enjoyed making love to me as much as I did to him. I have many fond memories of making love to him, and enjoying a wonderful sex life.

That is exactly what makes the situation now so difficult. How can he just “turn off” what I felt was a real sexual attraction? How can it just be gone? I am still physically attracted to him, and I always well be, I can’t just “turn it off.” Which is why I spiral into the abbess thinking it must be me.

If he does not want to see me naked, why would anyone else?

Sunday, May 17, 2009


We are all connected whether we want to be or not. And that connection is vital to our survival.

For a few days I had been feeling emotionally down. Nothing serious, just kind of bummed. It comes and goes, and I know it is part of the process and I try to let myself just feel, but try not to get too caught up in the feeling....

I went to Enrichment on Tuesday night. I have been trying to get back into my life and Enrichment is something I always enjoy. Enrichment was on service and our Stake President came and spoke to us on service and some of his experiences serving others. He spoke of Christ like service and how serving others not only enriches their lives but ours as well. After he spoke the sisters began working on several service projects. I began to talk to several sisters in the ward. In the last few months I have not had much of a chance to interact with the sisters. I have been holed up in my house feeling rather unsociable. Sunday is a crazy day because of the kids, hence leaving me little time to visit at church. It was nice to visit with my friends, feel their love, and know that they care.

I came home a renewed person. I knew I was loved by not only the sisters in my ward and that they cared. I never made it over to the service project I was too busy being served in another way.....

Sunday, May 10, 2009

The energizer bunny

I have always had TONS of energy. I just keep going, and going and going….on and on. It’s always amazed not only my husband, but the people I worked with either in my job or in a calling. I have always been that way. Very driven. But then it happened. I stopped. I quit. I slowed down. I ran out of energy. The battery was dead. It happened last fall when my husband moved out.

Nothing that previously brought me joy, did I now find joy in. I did not want to do anything, I did not want to go anywhere, I just wanted to be left alone, to lay on my couch wrapped up in a blanket. I, however have three small children, so I had to struggle to move for them. But when I did not have to be somewhere, or do something, you would find me on the couch wrapped up in a blanket, trying to sleep my life away. Going to work, church , and taking care of my children was about the limit of what I was capable of doing, handling, or acting on. I was in a funk and I knew it. But I also knew I needed to feel the funk, I needed to bond with the funk, I needed to accept the funk. It was part of the process.

Despite my funk I made a few goals. It was October, and the furthest ahead I could see in my life was six months. Nothing further than that. And six months seemed like a LONG time, an eternity that would never come. To add to my funk we were heading into winter…..which just represented how I felt, cold, forbearing and alone.

Goal one, exercise, and try to eat right, in other words cut down on SUGAR. Did pretty good on that for the first three months…..

Goal two, not be bitter. Attitude is a choice, circumstances are not. Resolve to not be bitter. I knew the angry phase would come, and it did. I told my two best friends, to not let me get “stuck’ in the angry phase, and if they felt I was, to “slap me silly.” I said many a word to my husband during that phase, and he was smart enough to take it all in without saying a word, other than I was justified in being angry.

Goal three, be a more spiritual person. I have been beyond blessed with the spiritual experiences that have occurred in my life in the last three months. I have never felt alone, abandoned, or betrayed by God. I have never felt so close to my Heavenly Father.

Goal four, be a better parent. I knew my children would feed off my emotions. There have been very few things in my life in the last six months that I have had control over, but being a good parent has been one. Whenever I place my focus on my children, and not me, I become a better parent, and it brings a sense of joy to my life that nothing else can.

Deadline for goals: May 1, 2009.

It is now six months later. I am wiser, I am not bitter, I have new friends, I have a renewed testimony, I bonded in new ways with my children, I have more compassion, I can’t believe I made it through. I feel myself coming out of the darkness, out of my funk, into the warm sunshine of spring.

Where before the basic needs and necessities of life were my limit, now I want to share, I want to serve, I want to rejoin life. I found myself wanting to make a birthday present for a friend, wanting to visit teach, wanting to act like me again.

The battery is getting recharged, slowly, one day at a time, but I do see the energy returning.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009


In my life there have been three people I have formed an immediate connection with. The type of connection that when you meet this person for the first time you have this immediate bond, like you have know each other for forever….. The first person was my husband, the second person was my best friend from law school and the third person was a friend I met last summer. All three are men.

All three of them can read my mind and finish my sentences on any given day. The best at doing this is clearly my husband. He knows my every thought, my every feeling, when I am hurt, when I am happy, and he also has always been able to warn me of danger. It’s an emotional connection I share with him too. I know what he thinks, I know what he feels, I know what he fears.

I fear losing that emotional connection and so does he. The ties that bind us are very strong. If those ties were not so strong decisions about our future would be easy. It’s also those same ties that cause us the greatest heartache and grief. I know that our friendship is complete, but our relationship as lovers is incomplete. We both yearn for something the other person can’t give us. We both feel unfulfilled.

It is the loss of that emotional connection that frightens me the most. I would feel so alone without him. I have come to rely on him and the wonderful emotional stability he brings into my life. In my mind divorce meant a complete severing of the ties. But what if it didn’t….

What if that emotional connection can continue on? We were friends first, and that is where our deepest emotional connection lies. That bond does not have to end simply because our marriage does. When I realized this all of the sudden divorce didn’t seem to be such a frighten thing, but rather a freeing of both of us to move forward in our lives, yet still have that connection that brings us together.