Sunday, May 24, 2009

The Demon.

Being married to a gay man or nearly formerly married, to a gay man, brings its own unique set of challenges. The biggest struggle for me has been how I feel about myself. It’s hard not to take my husband’s sexual rejection of me personally, and realize it is about him and not me because it feels like it is all about ME. I will never forget the last time we made love, it was our wedding anniversary, and I practically had to beg him. I felt cheap, I felt rejected, I felt unloved. It hurt then, it still hurts now. It’s a hurt I wonder if I will ever get over.

It leaves me feeling vulnerable, ugly, and wondering what value I have. Things were not always that way. For the first few years of our marriage, sex was really good. (Not that I had anything to compare it to) He was very thoughtful of me and made sure I enjoyed myself. He would get aroused just cuddling with me. I know he was not faking things. I know he enjoyed making love to me as much as I did to him. I have many fond memories of making love to him, and enjoying a wonderful sex life.

That is exactly what makes the situation now so difficult. How can he just “turn off” what I felt was a real sexual attraction? How can it just be gone? I am still physically attracted to him, and I always well be, I can’t just “turn it off.” Which is why I spiral into the abbess thinking it must be me.

If he does not want to see me naked, why would anyone else?


Bravone said...

My heart breaks for you Pieces. I remember when my aunt's husband, after three children, told her he was gay. She was obviously heartbroken. I was in my early teens. I remember her saying, "If he were leaving me for another woman, at least I could compete." You cannot compete for his sexual attraction. It has nothing to do with you, how much you weigh, how pretty, how engaging, or anything about your previous relationship with your husband.

Your husband didn't just flip a switch and turn off his attraction to you. When we are younger, it takes less to become aroused, no matter the orientation. In my experience, as I age, my level of sexual excitement for my wife has lessened somewhat. My "natural" attractions have not. Although we still enjoy being intimate, its nature is evolving. It is more spiritual and more about being close, hugging, cuddling, and less frequently fully sexual.

I didn't intend on being so personal. I just wanted you to know one gay man's perspective. My wife is literally more beautiful than the day we married. If I were to fall away, it would have nothing to do with her. It would have everything to do with my inability to maintain my spirituality to the level that I trusted God enough to keep the covenants I have made with him.

Your beauty, both physical and spiritual, will be/is recognized by others.

Pieces of Me said...


Thank you very much for you kind comments and wonderful insight. It was just what I needed to hear to help me understand.

Also I wrote this post late at night, and I should probably aways put a disclaimer on anything I write late at night....because that is when the demons of self doubt tend to rear their ugly head.

Public Loneliness said...

Wow Pieces,

My wife has said the very things you're writing about in your post. I feel for you as even in my own path and pain it doesn't even begin to compare to the kind you're feeling. I echo the words of Braveone. I've repeated these words over and over to my dear wife hoping that one of them might make sense, "It has nothing to do with you" but so far I'm not making much progress.

Hugs to you, PL

Over the Rainbow said...

Dear Pieces,

On a much smaller scale I understand exactly how you feel! I am in love with my gay best friend and I take his rejection personally. I know that he is attracted to men, but I can't help but feel disgusting and hurt when the one person I love so much and would do anything for can't even imagine having to kiss me.

From the wise comments of Bravone and Public Loneliness, I'm sure your husband does love you and that all your past sexual experiences were real and meaningful to both of you.

It seems impossible, but maybe we can both work on realizing that our gay loved ones don't reject us because there is anything wrong with us (aside from the fact that we aren't male!)

Hang in there- I hope you feel better. I think you are amazing!