Sunday, May 23, 2010


Anger. You got that in the last post. The thing I struggle with more than anything else is how to manager that anger? I know the potential anger has to do significant and long term damage. I have to have a relationship with him on some level, because we had three kids together, one of which is only three. We have a lot of years of raising kids together still ahead of us.

Most of all I don't want my children to carry the burden of my anger. It is my emotion. I own the emotion, I own the feeling. Its mine to work through. Its mine to process. How do you manager and process that anger in a way that is constructive, yet does the least amount of damage? I. don't. know.

What I do know is that yelling and screaming at him only provides a momentary release and never results in a positive outcome. I know that keeping it bottle up inside means that it comes out projected onto other people and situations that don't deserve that wrath. I know that I can't move forward until I move through the anger.

It's weighed heavily on my mind. Last week I was sitting in Relief Society soaking up the lesson on prayer. Toward the end of the lesson the teacher read a scripture that discussed praying for your enemies. Now I don't consider soon to be ex husband an enemy, but the idea is the same. To pray for, and about those that have offended you. Is this the magic pill to make the anger go away? I doubt it. But I do think it helps to soften the heart. I think it helps in allowing the anger to process. I think it helps in allowing the atonement to take hold and heal.

Its the first step.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Things that SUCK about being single...

Being single just flat out sucks. It especially sucks when you have a gallbladder attack at 11:30 p.m. and need to go to the emergency room, and then four days later your basement floods due to a broken sprinkler line.....

Seriously. Like life is not hard enough already?????

Sunday, May 16, 2010


It has hit, and it has hit with a vengeance. Anger. I knew it was coming. I knew it was inevitable. I knew it was part of the process, part of the grieving process. I knew that without feeling it, without working through it, I could not move forward. I still hate it.

I hate being consumed with such a negative emotion. I hate feeling anger toward a person I loved and still love. I hate that I have to feel this way to heal. I hate knowing that by processing this emotion it will change how I feel about him and us forever. I hate the potential it has to do so much damage.

Yet I am mad. I am mad that he has seemingly just pranced off to his new life without a care in the world, and not the least bit sad at what threw away or left behind. I hate that he gets to go off and be "authentic" while I am left doing all the work of raising the kids and being the responsible person. I hate that he has left me with a lot of sucky options for the future, most of which involved me being alone. I hate the deep and wounding emotional pain I feel. I hate feeling like the pain will never end.

I hate his new life. I hate how he continually has to tell me how wonderful his new life is. I hate that apparently ever good thing that happened with us was either a lie, or so insignificant to the wonderful things that are going on in his life right now.

I hate that he trashed my life, and seemingly gets off scott free with little or no consequences. I hate that every time he does have to suffer any sort of consequence he feels like its sooooo unjust to HIM.

I hate that I hate.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Mother's Day....

I have a love hate relationship with Mother's Day. It began 20 years ago when my mom passed away of cancer at the ripe old age of 46. For the next 10 years I would dread the holiday, because while everyone was talking about their wonderful mothers, and doing things for their wonderful mothers, I only wished I had a mother still around to be a part of my life. Sacrament meeting was always down right painful, and usually left me in tears.

10 years after my mother died I became a mom, and my outlook on Mother's Day changed. I loved and still love being a mom. My husband was always really good about making sure I was spoiled on Mother's Day. You see for me Mother's Day was a bigger deal than my birthday. I feel like my birthday is a date on a calendar, determined by more than anything else by a date 9 months earlier when my parents were apparently enjoying themselves.....I really did not have a whole lot to do with the situation. Now Mother's Day on the other hand, well I feel like I earn that holiday.

That still does not mean that Mother's Day was without pain. Four years ago on Mother's Day I had to teach the Relief Society lesson and it was on death. Oh yeah that was you can see how the holiday of Mother's Day seems to follow me like a dark cloud.

Since soon to be ex husband and I separated (FYI divorce paperwork filed last week, so he really is soon to be ex husband), I now face Mother's Day alone. Its a working holiday for me. It never dawned on me until I became a single parent that being a single parent on a holiday that celebrates being a parent SUCKS! (What I am saying is next year for Mother's Day, think about those single moms you know and realize that while all the world is celebrating mothers, and showering mother's with attention, single moms of young children are silently and quietly doing the same work they do every. single. day.)

I really was not looking forward to attending church today and hearing the men in the ward speak about how wonderful their wives are and what great mothers they are, all while I am struggling alone to keep my children entertained in Sacrament meeting.

We arrived a few minutes early, sat in our usual spot, and waited for the meeting to begin. After a few announcements the opening song began, Love at Home. Half way into the first verse I saw a good friend get up and leave the chapel crying. We were far enough in the back that I doubted very few people saw her. I watched her walk out of the chapel, and head toward the bathroom. It dawned on me the hymn we were singing was the very hymn she sang with her family, nearly 7 years ago while her 18 year old daughter died of cancer. I knew immediately I had to leave and go find her. I asked my 9 year old to sit quietly with the other children and I excused myself. As I was walking to the bathroom it dawned on me that Mother's Day is a hard day for a lot of women, for a lot of different reasons.

I entered the bathroom, looked under the stalls and saw her shoes. I told her I was there and she immediately opened the door and we hugged. Her life was not easy before her daughter died of cancer and it has not been easy since. In that brief moment we both understood that Mother's Day not only celebrates what we have, but also represents a loss of what we no longer have, but wish we did.

Like I said I have a love hate relationship with Mother's Day.