It has hit, and it has hit with a vengeance. Anger. I knew it was coming. I knew it was inevitable. I knew it was part of the process, part of the grieving process. I knew that without feeling it, without working through it, I could not move forward. I still hate it.
I hate being consumed with such a negative emotion. I hate feeling anger toward a person I loved and still love. I hate that I have to feel this way to heal. I hate knowing that by processing this emotion it will change how I feel about him and us forever. I hate the potential it has to do so much damage.
Yet I am mad. I am mad that he has seemingly just pranced off to his new life without a care in the world, and not the least bit sad at what threw away or left behind. I hate that he gets to go off and be "authentic" while I am left doing all the work of raising the kids and being the responsible person. I hate that he has left me with a lot of sucky options for the future, most of which involved me being alone. I hate the deep and wounding emotional pain I feel. I hate feeling like the pain will never end.
I hate his new life. I hate how he continually has to tell me how wonderful his new life is. I hate that apparently ever good thing that happened with us was either a lie, or so insignificant to the wonderful things that are going on in his life right now.
I hate that he trashed my life, and seemingly gets off scott free with little or no consequences. I hate that every time he does have to suffer any sort of consequence he feels like its sooooo unjust to HIM.
I hate that I hate.
About Me
- Pieces of Me
- I am the former wife of a gay Mormon man. We were married more than 10 years but less than 20. We have three children. He has always known he was gay, I did not....He came out in early 2008. In some ways I feel like this glass called my life was dropped on the sidewalk in front of me and shattered into 1000 little pieces. I am walking along pickup up each small piece of glass, putting it into a box for reassembly later, knowing the glass reassembled will no longer appear as it once did. This blog represents my journey to reassemble the shattered remains.
6 comments:
I'm certainly not a professional; but, it seems to me that the feelings you are having are natural, and certainly understandable. I think you need to let yourself be angry for a while so that you can move on with your life.
I hate how he continually has to tell me how wonderful his new life is.
Is he trying to convince you? . . . or himself?
You are wise to view anger as part of the process. I hope after this is over with you can find a man who will be capable of loving you in all the ways you need and deserve. This is a dark hour, but it will pass.
Thank you for the honest but heart wrenching post.
My heart goes out to you. Your children will someday realize the sacrifices you have made for them and bless your name for it.
I agree with Abelard who is he really trying to convince???
You have a right to be angry. After you've gone to Wal-Mart and bought a pair of 99 cent flip flops to smack him up along the side of his head.....I've threatened to do it 'cause there are some days when he just doesn't get it but I'd probably loose my "Elect Lady" status. Don't let this define you. You will reach a point when you can let the anger go, and it won't consume you.
I want to put my arms around you and tell you, you will survive. You will become a stronger, more compassionate and emphatic woman on this journey. It isn't easy. You are loved, you are in my prayers.
Yup, not in the same place you are...yet. But I know the anger. It comes and goes. I am so sorry. You have much more right to be angry than I do.
Does he know how angry you are? I don't suppose it would do any good if he did know...
Ugh. Still wondering who signed us up for this club.
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