Sunday, May 10, 2009

The energizer bunny

I have always had TONS of energy. I just keep going, and going and going….on and on. It’s always amazed not only my husband, but the people I worked with either in my job or in a calling. I have always been that way. Very driven. But then it happened. I stopped. I quit. I slowed down. I ran out of energy. The battery was dead. It happened last fall when my husband moved out.

Nothing that previously brought me joy, did I now find joy in. I did not want to do anything, I did not want to go anywhere, I just wanted to be left alone, to lay on my couch wrapped up in a blanket. I, however have three small children, so I had to struggle to move for them. But when I did not have to be somewhere, or do something, you would find me on the couch wrapped up in a blanket, trying to sleep my life away. Going to work, church , and taking care of my children was about the limit of what I was capable of doing, handling, or acting on. I was in a funk and I knew it. But I also knew I needed to feel the funk, I needed to bond with the funk, I needed to accept the funk. It was part of the process.

Despite my funk I made a few goals. It was October, and the furthest ahead I could see in my life was six months. Nothing further than that. And six months seemed like a LONG time, an eternity that would never come. To add to my funk we were heading into winter…..which just represented how I felt, cold, forbearing and alone.

Goal one, exercise, and try to eat right, in other words cut down on SUGAR. Did pretty good on that for the first three months…..

Goal two, not be bitter. Attitude is a choice, circumstances are not. Resolve to not be bitter. I knew the angry phase would come, and it did. I told my two best friends, to not let me get “stuck’ in the angry phase, and if they felt I was, to “slap me silly.” I said many a word to my husband during that phase, and he was smart enough to take it all in without saying a word, other than I was justified in being angry.

Goal three, be a more spiritual person. I have been beyond blessed with the spiritual experiences that have occurred in my life in the last three months. I have never felt alone, abandoned, or betrayed by God. I have never felt so close to my Heavenly Father.

Goal four, be a better parent. I knew my children would feed off my emotions. There have been very few things in my life in the last six months that I have had control over, but being a good parent has been one. Whenever I place my focus on my children, and not me, I become a better parent, and it brings a sense of joy to my life that nothing else can.

Deadline for goals: May 1, 2009.

It is now six months later. I am wiser, I am not bitter, I have new friends, I have a renewed testimony, I bonded in new ways with my children, I have more compassion, I can’t believe I made it through. I feel myself coming out of the darkness, out of my funk, into the warm sunshine of spring.

Where before the basic needs and necessities of life were my limit, now I want to share, I want to serve, I want to rejoin life. I found myself wanting to make a birthday present for a friend, wanting to visit teach, wanting to act like me again.

The battery is getting recharged, slowly, one day at a time, but I do see the energy returning.


Abelard Enigma said...

I just found your blog. I love how you are able to maintain a loving relationship with your former husband.

As you are intimately familiar with, most mixed orientation marriages fail. In many cases, it is probably in the best interest, for all concerned, to dissolve the marriage relationship; but, there are a few of us gay men and women who are trying to keep our marriages intact. As the wife of a gay mormon man - what advice do you have for the gay spouse who is trying to keep a mixed orientation marriage alive?

btw, I added a link to your blog from my blog (a friend of the family) - I hope you don't mind.

Pieces of Me said...

I am actually flattered you would add me to your blog role.

Keeping a marraige alive...that is a difficult question, and one I have struggled with. The bottom line I decided in mixed marriages, is that what ever you choose, whether it is stay together or separate, BOTH parties give up significant things. No answer is perfect and if you sit and wait for the perfect answer you will be sitting a LONG time. You have to pick the answer that is best for you as a couple, and for your children.

As for keeping it alive, the first and foremost thing in my mind is my kids. Clearly it is best for them to be with both parents, provided the relationship between the parents can be warm and not full of anger. Granted they will not see a "perfect" relationship, but what relationship whether gay or straight is perfect? But if they see two parents who love and value their children and can work together as partners in the family I think it is healty. The children will probably not see a lot of physical affection between the parents so I think it is important that the children receive a lot of physical affection from the parents.

The parents give up a lot....In a mixed marriage it is not a whole relationship. It is part of a relationship. Sometimes we have dreams or fantasays of other relationships thinking they will be 'wonerful' ' fulfilling" etc. but reality is generally never as good as the dream. You have to give up the dream and realize it is just that a dream, and the other couples you see that you think have these wonderful perfect relationships probably really don't they just hide it better.

I think in a mix marriage you have to BOTH make the decision this is where you want to be and focus on that decision and why you made that decision. It is very easy for the "what if's" to creap in and make you second guess the decision. The fact remains to stay in a mixed marriage requires significant sacrafice by BOTH parties, and if you focus on what you are giving up, it will lead to a lot of disappointment, but if you focus on what you are keeping or gaining, it makes the battle easier.

I hope that helps....

Abelard Enigma said...

Yes it does - especially coming from someone on the 'other side' of the relationship. I especially like the part about focusing on what we have rather than on what we are giving up.

Would it be OK if I post your response on my blog?

Pieces of Me said...

Yes, you can post it on your blog!