Self Esteme

The nights are the worst. Everyone is in bed and the house is quiet, and I am left to my own thoughts. I have been listening to a lot of music and thinking, which is good. I have also been doing a lot of reading, not fun reading, reading on mixed orientation marriages, gay issues etc. Just stuff I need to think about. I really have been at a very bad place emotionally, and I know it. I am usually so strong and I am feeling crushed and weak. I feel like my self esteem has taken a nose dive. In many ways it has. I had what I thought was a good marriage, with a husband who was heterosexual. That reality came to an end March 23, 2008 and its made me question everything in my life. How could I not see what was right in front of my face? It’s my job to see situations and judge, yet I was blinded by my own life. How could the person who claims to love me, LIE to me for all these years and I not see it? Was it there for me to see and I just refused to open my eyes, because if I did not see it I would never have to face it. I don’t know, but I do know I am feeling pretty crappy about myself. Did he every love me romantically? Was I ever sexy to him? Was it all a game? He says he love me and wants to say together, does he really mean it or is he just saying that because he wants to have his cake and eat it too? I must be a pretty stupid person to not see this in 10 years of marriage and 7 years of dating. How could I do this to myself and my children? What an idiot I am. That is why I feel crappy about myself….

To the outside world I put on a great show, probably should win an academy award for my performance. The only evidence of how crappy I feel about myself is my weight gain. I can’t quite eating, and I know it is for emotional reasons. After all if your husband tells you he is attracted to men, it really does not do a lot to help you feel good about your body. I know it is about him, not me, but I FEEL like it is about me. I feel like it is a totally rejection of me physically, so why not comfort myself with food? I know if I were to eat healthy and exercise I would feel better about myself, but right now I want to have a pity party, so I do nothing. I know it has to, and needs to end…and I need to pick myself up off the ground, dust myself off, and forge ahead. Maybe tomorrow…..