Sunday, April 18, 2010

Alone - Part one

Whether or not you are in or out of a MOHO marriage, you are alone. I am not sure one is better than the other. They both SUCK.

For me when I was married, during the last year that we lived together, although we were physically together as a couple, he had "checked" out of the marriage. He had admitted he was gay, and was exploring a whole new set of feelings and emotions that I was not a part of. It became a very incomplete marriage. As I contemplated our future, I knew that if we did stay together, he would never be "there." He would always wish and want to be elsewhere, perhaps not all the time, but it would be a repeated issued. His coming out in many ways made me go in. For the first six months I told no one. After that it was limited to a very few select members of my family, and after about 8 months my two best friends.

Why did I wait? I needed time. I needed to see how this was going to play out, without the input of others. Also this was not entirely my story to tell. In large part it was my ex-husband's story as well. I could not tell his story without his permission. (Note, he did not ask that of me, I felt that way.) Because so few people knew, I carried this burden alone. Even when others knew, I still carried this burden alone, because while they could be compassionate, they honestly had no clue the depths of emotion I felt.

So there I sat in my marriage, alone. No partner, no friend, only a person who was changing before my eyes. Even as I accepted the changes I was still alone. Alone in the fact that I could not provide or give to him what he needed. Alone in the fact that I would NEVER be able to provide or give him what he needed.

Just so very alone.

7 comments:

MoHoHawaii said...

I hope someday you can find a man who will love you. You deserve this.

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Sarah said...

Today I have been contemplating what you say here--the loneliness regardless of the decision we make. We are discussing everything from divorce and physical separation to a polygamous-like open marriage. But even now, as we continue to be married and monogamous (yes, we are still intimate), there is an "alone" feeling that I am afraid is here to stay.

Sandy said...

I do know a little something of your pain. The isolation I put myself in has not been easy. This is certainly not something that's going to be addressed at a Women's Conference. It's not something you causally bring up. It was a relief to discover after 36 years of marriage, it wasn't me. So yes, we do find ourselves very alone. When I stumbled upon your blog I was so grateful to really know, I am not alone. Thank you, you're in my prayers.

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