Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Something just clicked....

I have spent the last three and one half months in the fetal position, under a blanket, wanting to hide from the world, hoping that I will wake up and discover it was all a dream. Except every day I wake up and it appears that it is not a dream but rather a nightmare.....

Its been rough.

Its been hard, its been the hardest damn thing I have ever done in my whole entire life.

But I am alive.

In early December the largest client for our business informed ex-husband and me (I am now calling him ex-husband, although its not finalized yet, I have the papers, and its only a matter of time.) that in two years when our contract is up with them, they will not be renewing. And between now and then, they will be slowly phasing us out....not exactly good news. (Now I could go into all the juicy details as to how this occurred, and trust me its a whopper of a good story, but lets just say it started by my aunt gossiping to her former mission companion about the sexual orientation of my husband. Only problem the son of my aunt's former mission companion works for our business's largest client...) That decision left us scrambling, changing our entire business plan and model overnight. Also left ex-husband a wreck. Not only because he was "outed" to our largest client, but he also happens to work for our largest client as an employee, in addition to the product we provide to the client, so EVERYONE at work found out. Also our business and what we do for the client is like a child to him. He built it with his blood, sweat and tears, and to see it thrown away in such a clavier manner, was quite a blow to his self esteem.

The silver lining, it has forced us to reexamine our business in a manner we might not have otherwise done. We can change, we can grow, and I see passion returning to ex-husband regarding the business that I have not see for a while. Do we have rough spots ahead, of course, actually its more like landmines....hopefully we will be heavily forfeited.

A week after learning of the changes to our business, my father passed away unexpectedly. I am the oldest sibling, my mother passed away 20 years ago, so a significant amount of the responsibility fell upon my shoulders. And this was right before Christmas. Silver lining in this cloud...I must have known on some level that my December was going to be significantly interrupted because I was ready for Christmas by December 8, right before all the insanity started.

Christmas....oh boy....ex-husband basically no show Christmas Eve, wanted to attend activities at his new church, then showed up for three hours on Christmas morning as the kids opened presents and then left to go spend the day with his partner and his partner's family, leaving me alone with the kids. This on the heals of my father's about feeding into my abandonment issues.... Silver lining, sent him a snarky text after he left outlining how his kids would recall this Christmas, and that a memory of him would NOT be part of their recollection. He got the point, has been a much better father. (Partner not too happy, thinks ex-husband spends too much time with kids and cow-towing to what I want involving the kids. Partner does not have children and didn't have much contact with his father after his parents divorced and thinks that's how all divorces should be. I don't F---ing care what partner thinks, the kids came before HE did. Also snarky text ruined their Christmas together...hee, hee, hee!)

In ex-father in law works for our business. Thinks I am out to screw ex-husband over in divorce. Ex-husband's father was the first person ex-husband came out to, and the response of the father, was "You need to divorce _____(insert my name), but you can't tell her that you are gay, you must make up some other story, otherwise she will have your balls on a platter." That was two years ago. Still waiting for the screwing to start....keeps telling ex-husband I am playing mind games with him and its only a matter of time before I take all his money. Thinks I am a controlling shrew, who emasculated my ex-husband. (Probably blames me for making him gay....)

Silver lining, I know this is not about me, it is about ex-father's in laws divorce from his first wife, who did screw him over. He carries a lot of emotional baggage from that experience and is oh so willing to project his baggage on to me.... Its just hard to continually hear what a shrew I am, and how no one in the family likes me.... Did I mention the divorce is a STIPULATED decree because ex-husband and I agreed on EVERYTHING? But you know I am a shrew out to screw ex-husband over.... I also happen to be the shrew who owns 50% of the business he works least he works there for the moment.....I mean if he has given me the title, shouldn't I earn it????? (FYI, ex-husband none to happy about father's attitude toward me, because he gets the same attitude to him. Didn't you know that macho fathers DON'T have gay children?)

Work, OUT OF CONTROL. My job is tied to economy, as in my case load dramatically increases the worse the economy is. Working in excess of 40 hours a week, plus being a single parent.

Now you know why I haven't blogged for three months and why I have wanted to hide under a blanket in the fetal position. It has by far been the worst depression I have ever experienced. I could not sleep at night, I would get about 3-4 hours of sleep at night before I had to get up with the kids, hence I wanted to sleep all day. I only took a shower every other day, and sometimes I went longer than that.... I had no motivation to do anything other than lay on the couch. If there was a worst, most disconnected mother of the year award, I would be a top nominee, I gained 15 pounds, I did nothing around the house, other than the minimum to get by, my children frequently ate cold cereal for breakfast, lunch and dinner....I have no clue how I managed to stay employed during this time period....although that was one thing I did focus VERY hard on.

Something clicked 10 days ago. I don't know what. My planner was dusted off. All of the sudden I felt the urge to make lists, to accomplish things, to clean the garage out??? I started taking a shower every day. I put on make-up and did my hair every day. I slept at night instead of during the day. I got re-acquainted with my treadmill. I got re-acquainted with my children. I decided they needed to eat something other than cold cereal. I played with my children, and relished in their noise, instead of barking at them to be quite and go downstairs to the basement.

Its good to be back.


mandi said...

Welcome Home!! funny, that "thing" kind of clicked for me about that same time! :)

Anonymous said...

Good to hear from you again! - Kengo

Bravone said...

I've been worried about you. Sorry it has been such a difficult time. I think you are amazing for holding up as well as you are. Prayers headed south.

Sarah said...

Welcome back! I hope this you can stay around, for your own sake and your children's. I am hoping that I will get out of my fetal position and be more responsible once this new baby is here. I soooo hate being pregnant!

Here is to being "strong and of a good courage." (The young women's theme this year.)