My therapist said I needed to write. I know she is right, its just so very painful. She said, and I know, that I can't move on until I let go. It sucks. I hate being stuck in my issues, but the pain of confronting them seems unbearable. She also said, and she is right, that if I don't process these issues now, they will rear their ugly head in a new relationship, and my new partner will be paying the price for the sins of my former husband.
So how about a quick update. The divorce will be final any day now. All the paperwork is submitted, and its just awaits the judge's signature. I have very mixed emotions about that.
First its a divorce I never wanted. I wish that things were different. I wish that things were as they used to be. I wish we were still a family, at least a family together under one roof. But that is not how this chapter ends.
I have always held out a degree of hope that ex-husband would come to his senses and realize that in his new life, although he may be "authentic" he not any better or happier than he was married to me. I know he is not happier, he has told me. While we were married he was always searching for what would make him happy, never satisfied with what was. He is still searching and will probably continue this search for the remainder of his life. His mother admits he has been that way his entire life.
The small degree of hope that things could possible return to how they were died today. I became aware of just how much our lives have drifted apart. He is not even a person I recognize. Its makes me very sad. I loved the person I married. He was my best friend. Now to me he is a person who provided the DNA for my kids, and not much more. He is doing things and crossing boundaries he told me he would never cross. As painful as it is to know those things about him, its also a good thing. I need the death of hope to allow me to close this chapter and move forward, with the knowledge I did, I tried, I hoped, that this marriage would survive.
So sometime next week with the finalized papers arrive in the mail I will see it as a door closed, with hopefully a new door opening.
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4 comments:
A beautiful, shiny, heavy solid wood door with intricate silver hardware. With a nice wreath on it. I would like one of those doors.
Hugs.
For both of us, and for our children.
And for those who have gone through this before us and for those have yet to proceed to this point.
May there be fewer and fewer of us as we scream to the world not to do what we have done (or to have done to us what has been or will be done.)
Yes, many, many big bear hugs.
So, as a husband who struggles with SGA, but who has remained married and monogamous, I've wondered if my wife wouldn't be better off without me. We discussed my SGA several years ago, but now live in denial and don't discuss it at all, yet I still shoulder all the self-hatred and guilt that go along with these feelings I didn't invite and which remain my constant companion. As a spouse who lived thru the other side of this equation, would you want to stay in a marriage that is loving but lacks all the aspects of geniune companionship/love from someone who feels whole? I feel an ongoing sense of emptiness and despair along with the guilt from believing that I'm robbing my spouse of a truly fulfilling marriage.
Eric:
I am now divorced, but I am also now remarried. So I have lived both sides of the coin. I got remarried in November a few months after my divorce was final. I met this guy shortly after my ex-husband and I separated, so although it seems like my re-marriage was quick, (I have chosen not to write about the relationship) but I knew him for two years before we got married, so this was not something I rushed into.
He is a wonderful guy, and very, very very STRAIGHT. Sex with a man who is not gay is incredible. I had a good sex life with my ex-husband, (even he will admit to that) but it is completely different with my new husband, and I really feel it when he touches me. He touches me in a way my ex-husband was not capable of. I am able to be physically open with him in a way I was never able to be open with my ex-husband. In addition to the physical relationship, the emotional relationship is different. Again, I can be myself in a way that I never could with my ex-husband, and I feel this amazing amount of unconditional love. Honestly its really wonderful and I never imagined I would ever feel this way or be so completely loved.
That being said, as wonderful as my new husband is, and as wonderful as being married to him is, and I am so greatful that the Lord has blessed us with each other, if I had my choice I would have wanted to stay married to my ex-husband, even given what I know about a being with someone who truly loves me and can truly love me.
Please don't get me wrong, if my ex-husband called me tomorrow and said "hey I made a huge mistake can we get back together?" the answer would be "no." That shipp has sailed, that door is closed, I don't have a desire to go back in time. What I am saying is my choice would have been to tough it out with him and not just until the kids were raised.
We had an incredible friendship, and there were many wonderful aspects to our relationship. I married him for good and for bad. I knew going into my marriage with him that it would not be perfect, no marriage is perfect. EVERY marriage has to deal with issues and problems, some are short term some are long term, but you tough it out, you don't quit becasue its hard, or you think your life will be happier if you are doing something else.
In fact if you ask my ex-husband I venture to guess that he would tell you he is just exchanged one set of problems for a different set of problems.
Elder Worthlin gave a talk in general conference a few years a go entilted "love it, come what may." The point of his talk was that we all have difficult trials we are called upon face and endure. Some trials are short lived, others last the entire time we live on this earth. One of my favorite parts of the talk is when he talks about the losses we have in our lives, and that the Lord will bless us 10 fold for those losses. Although when those blessings come is dependant on the Lord's time table. The blessing of my new husband is 10 fold, truely, but I also believe that had my ex-husband decided he wanted to stay married, we also would have been blessed 10 fold. I think my ex-husband and I would have seen some of those blessings in other aspects of our relationship while here on earth, and other blessings in the next life.
I hope that give you some perspective.
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