My therapist said I needed to write. I know she is right, its just so very painful. She said, and I know, that I can't move on until I let go. It sucks. I hate being stuck in my issues, but the pain of confronting them seems unbearable. She also said, and she is right, that if I don't process these issues now, they will rear their ugly head in a new relationship, and my new partner will be paying the price for the sins of my former husband.
So how about a quick update. The divorce will be final any day now. All the paperwork is submitted, and its just awaits the judge's signature. I have very mixed emotions about that.
First its a divorce I never wanted. I wish that things were different. I wish that things were as they used to be. I wish we were still a family, at least a family together under one roof. But that is not how this chapter ends.
I have always held out a degree of hope that ex-husband would come to his senses and realize that in his new life, although he may be "authentic" he not any better or happier than he was married to me. I know he is not happier, he has told me. While we were married he was always searching for what would make him happy, never satisfied with what was. He is still searching and will probably continue this search for the remainder of his life. His mother admits he has been that way his entire life.
The small degree of hope that things could possible return to how they were died today. I became aware of just how much our lives have drifted apart. He is not even a person I recognize. Its makes me very sad. I loved the person I married. He was my best friend. Now to me he is a person who provided the DNA for my kids, and not much more. He is doing things and crossing boundaries he told me he would never cross. As painful as it is to know those things about him, its also a good thing. I need the death of hope to allow me to close this chapter and move forward, with the knowledge I did, I tried, I hoped, that this marriage would survive.
So sometime next week with the finalized papers arrive in the mail I will see it as a door closed, with hopefully a new door opening.