Self Esteme

The nights are the worst. Everyone is in bed and the house is quiet, and I am left to my own thoughts. I have been listening to a lot of music and thinking, which is good. I have also been doing a lot of reading, not fun reading, reading on mixed orientation marriages, gay issues etc. Just stuff I need to think about. I really have been at a very bad place emotionally, and I know it. I am usually so strong and I am feeling crushed and weak. I feel like my self esteem has taken a nose dive. In many ways it has. I had what I thought was a good marriage, with a husband who was heterosexual. That reality came to an end March 23, 2008 and its made me question everything in my life. How could I not see what was right in front of my face? It’s my job to see situations and judge, yet I was blinded by my own life. How could the person who claims to love me, LIE to me for all these years and I not see it? Was it there for me to see and I just refused to open my eyes, because if I did not see it I would never have to face it. I don’t know, but I do know I am feeling pretty crappy about myself. Did he every love me romantically? Was I ever sexy to him? Was it all a game? He says he love me and wants to say together, does he really mean it or is he just saying that because he wants to have his cake and eat it too? I must be a pretty stupid person to not see this in 10 years of marriage and 7 years of dating. How could I do this to myself and my children? What an idiot I am. That is why I feel crappy about myself….

To the outside world I put on a great show, probably should win an academy award for my performance. The only evidence of how crappy I feel about myself is my weight gain. I can’t quite eating, and I know it is for emotional reasons. After all if your husband tells you he is attracted to men, it really does not do a lot to help you feel good about your body. I know it is about him, not me, but I FEEL like it is about me. I feel like it is a totally rejection of me physically, so why not comfort myself with food? I know if I were to eat healthy and exercise I would feel better about myself, but right now I want to have a pity party, so I do nothing. I know it has to, and needs to end…and I need to pick myself up off the ground, dust myself off, and forge ahead. Maybe tomorrow…..

Expectations

Recently I wrote about expectations and how my husband hates when I have expectations of him, because he feels like he will never measure up. I really don’t think my expectations are overly demanding or unreasonable, and the more I look at our situation I realize that he probably is not capable of meeting those expectations and it really has nothing to do about me and how much he loves me.

In an effort to let go of what will never be I will share with you some of what I have I now realize will never be, because it never has been. When we go out somewhere together and he has parked the car and is half way in the door before I have barely gotten out of the car. Ok that is a little exaggerated, but he never walks with me he is always several steps ahead of me. I would love it if he would just slow down, realize I am there, and want to walk by my side, not ahead of me. Another example, he will hold my hand if I grab his, but it will only last for a minute or two until he feels like he has held it sufficiently long enough to let go. I would love it if he would pick up my hand and hold it because he wants to be physically close to me, and enjoys holding my hand. He never sits by me on the couch, he picks a different couch. I will go over and sit by him and sometimes he will put his arm around me, other times he will just sit there wondering how long must he endure. I cuddle with him, he does not cuddle with me. I give him back rubs, he does not give me back rubs. I long for him to be affectionate with me. I know he is capable of affection, because I see him with our children, he is just not capable of it with me.

Looking back I should not be surprised. He was the only guy I ever dated whom I did not have to consistently remove his hands from my body. He would not even kiss me. When I asked him about this he told me he was scared he would lose control. At the time it made sense, now it does not. He was more affectionate with me when we first got married than he is now, but it has never been like other guys I dated. In the last two years as he has been admitting his same sex attraction issues the affection between us has nearly completely died off. Sex is a physical release, and nothing deeper. I struggle in telling myself this is about him not me, but it is hard, because it feels like such a rejection of me.

I want more in a relationship, and with him I will not have that. If I stay with him I give up ever having that physical closeness that comes from being affectionate. I don’t know if I am willing to give up that expectation, but I also don’t know if I am willing to give him up.

Emotions

When my husband first came out to me I was emotionally devastated, to the point of almost panic. I knew immediately I needed two things, medication and therapy. I got both. I called my OB/GYN for the medication and she put me on a low dose anti-depressant. It was nice because it took the edge off of my emotions, yet did not turn me into a zombie without feelings. I felt like I was still processing emotionally.

Recently I began to experience that wave of emotion again. I know it is directly tied into knowing the chances of remaining married and slow diminishing as both of us face new realities. It is a hard concept for me to admit, and I have not fully embraced the idea. In some part of my mind I just keep hoping that I am going to wake up from this bad dream, but I know that is just wishful thinking, and I am trying to focus on being present and realistic. I am trying to see things for how they are not how I wish or hope they would be. After suffering for about three weeks I decided I either needed a new medication or a higher dose because I have been pretty miserable, and all over the map emotionally. One minute I am happy, and the next I am reduced to tears. I feel like a freaking lunatic, because in the normal course of my existence I am one of the most sane people I know. My doctor doubled the dose and it should take about three weeks to kick in. I really hope that I don’t have to take medication forever, and that as I process through this I can wean myself off of it. For right now I know that if I were not on medication I could not function so it’s a good thing for the moment.

I have been thinking a lot lately about what it is going to take to get me to the place emotionally where I can function with some semblance of normalcy again. I know my emotionally highs and lows are directly tied to my husband and the attention I am receiving from him. If he is paying attention to me and I feel loved and happy. If I am getting ignored or perceive that he is ignoring me then it makes me want to cry. I know that I am way too dependant on him emotionally and that I need to extricate myself from that in order to be more mentally healthy. Part of that dependence is because I feel so crappy about myself right now that I am seeking validation that I am an ok person and that he still loves me. I do not doubt that he still loves me, its just I am not the love of his life. His allegiance is divided between me and his friends. We are both equally important to him At first I thought I could live with that, but as time goes on I realize that I am not good at sharing, and emotionally he can’t give up his friends.

So in order to continue on in this situation I have to emotionally detach myself from him. Another issue we have is he hates me having any sort of expectations of him. This also feeds into my emotional connection with him. If an expectation is unfulfilled then I think “well he does not love me” and it spirals down from there. In a marriage you have to have expectations of your spouse. You can’t just say “do what you want, let me know how it goes.” He wants to do what he wants to do and give me what he feels like giving, which I have to admit lately has been a lot, its just not been what I have needed or wanted. If I try to express what I would like or need he gets angry telling that I am not appreciative of what he is doing and that I have unrealistic expectations of him that he will never meet.

So I have begun to shut down emotionally with him. I am very appreciative of what he does do for me, and I just don’t ask for what I need or want. I try not to have any expectation of anything from him, and realize that if I need something I do it myself or get it from another person. I don’t open up to him, I don’t share with him. For the first time in our marriage I keep secretes from him. Little by little I feel myself pulling away from him emotionally. We will always be good friends and the emotional disconnect I am engaging in right now will preserve that friendship. He will be like a good girlfriend to whom I can talk to about superficial things, do nice things for and appreciate if something nice is done for me, but not have any expectations beyond that. I know it will never be a close marriage relationship with the kind of emotional intimacy I would like. I am beginning to realize I don’t think it is something he is capable of…at least not with me.

Where am I now...

Six months later, where am I now....at a cross roads. I read a quote in Carol Lynn Pearson's book "No more goodbyes" that said "Do I smile because we are friends or cry because that is all we will ever be?" That is where I find myself today.


When he first came out he honestly thought I would kick him and out and divorce him. I did no such thing. I was too scared. I was scared of being alone, scared of being a single mom, scared of caring the stigma of being divorced, but mostly of being alone. Initially I thought it would be better to stay in this marriage, no matter how bad, than to be alone. I figured either way I would be alone, so why not be alone in a marriage where my children get to have a father, and we have some semblance of a home and family life. I have been re-thinking that lately. I am so lonely, sad, depressed and unhappy, that staying is clearly making me miserable so could being divorced really be that bad? Part of my sadness comes from the fact I still have expectations of him as a husband, and its hard to either let go of those expectations, or live with them. I know after six months I can't live with those unfulfilled expectations, so I need to let them go, however I don't know if I can let them go, without letting him go.....a question I ponder frequently.


I am also at a cross roads because for the first time in six months I feel like I have a choice. I did not have a choice when we got married. He knew about his same sex attraction, I did not. How fair was that to me??? It was NOT fair. I was entitled to enter into this marriage with full disclosure and there was none. Now there full disclosure and I have a choice to stay in the marriage or leave. It just a more difficult choice now, because we have children. I could not fathom this choice at first, but now with time I see that I can make a choice to stay or leave.

By way of introduction.....

It has been six months today since my husband announced to me that he is gay. I remember it all too well. We were having a fight because he was leaving the next day on a business trip, and I was tired of feeling like he was always making excuses to leave because he did not want to be here with me and the kids. I said something nasty, I don’t even recall what, but right after I said it I immediately regretted it. I left him alone for a minute or two, felt bad and went back to apologize. I know we talked for a while after my apology, but I am unclear or don’t recall what we were talking about. I do recall my husband becoming very quit, starting to cry, and saying he had something to tell me. He paused for a few minutes, and then said “You probably already know this, but I am gay.” I think on some level I did suspect and or know for many years, but never allowed my mind to wonder there. Well when faced with the reality. no longer could my mind be allowed to dismiss the signs I had seen. The stark, naked truth of his sexuality was staring me in the face. Of course I began to cry, and realized that suddenly so much of who he is now made sense to me. I told him I still loved him because I did and I still do. This was not the reaction he was anticipating. He thought he would be packing his bags, heading for divorce court. We talked for several hours, very openly and honestly, something we had not done in a LONG time. He was not wanting to leave me and the kids and we agreed that we would try to work through this, wherever the road took us.

With that he was off the next day for three days and I was left in silence to ponder my own thoughts, shattered dream and new reality. We talked each night, he too was pondering where the future would take us, and wondering if he had made the biggest mistake of his life in telling me, yet at the same time relieved to no longer be keeping secretes from me. He told me it was my choice to tell whom I wanted and even see the Bishop. He had told his dad but not his mom. As I wondered around in a dazed fog for the next few days, part of me wanted to tell those closest to me and part of me wanted to say nothing. I chose a compromise of the two. I let his dad tell his mom, and she became a great confident for me. I did not tell my parents, but I did tell one of my siblings. I elected to call an aunt of mine. I told her because she is a counselor and always has good advice. One of the things she told me was when telling others to let them know that I wanted to be the teller of my own story, and please respect my privacy and not gossip. I appreciated that because I do want to tell my own story, and there is no one better to tell it than me.

I elected not to say anything to the Bishop or anyone in my ward, despite the fact I have some extremely close friends in the ward. There were several reasons I chose to remain silent. First my husband had not done anything that would require him to visit with the Bishop, so I saw no need for me to see the Bishop. My husband needs to be the teller of his own story. Second at that point I was not sure the journey we would be taking, and I did not want a bunch of unsolicited advice on how best for me to proceed. Let’s face it being gay and Mormon does carry social stigma. A lot of people would not understand my initial decision to stay with my husband and I did not want to be judged by those who have not walked in my shoes. So I remained silent. I have still remained silent. To this day no one in my ward knows. And no one other than the first few people I told, know. Even those I have told don’t exactly know how to provide support for me, other than to let me know they care. None of them live near me so my day to day struggle is largely unnoticed. I feel very alone and isolated, in this struggle. Despite that I do feel the love my Heavenly Father has for me and know that I am truly not alone.