By way of introduction.....

It has been six months today since my husband announced to me that he is gay. I remember it all too well. We were having a fight because he was leaving the next day on a business trip, and I was tired of feeling like he was always making excuses to leave because he did not want to be here with me and the kids. I said something nasty, I don’t even recall what, but right after I said it I immediately regretted it. I left him alone for a minute or two, felt bad and went back to apologize. I know we talked for a while after my apology, but I am unclear or don’t recall what we were talking about. I do recall my husband becoming very quit, starting to cry, and saying he had something to tell me. He paused for a few minutes, and then said “You probably already know this, but I am gay.” I think on some level I did suspect and or know for many years, but never allowed my mind to wonder there. Well when faced with the reality. no longer could my mind be allowed to dismiss the signs I had seen. The stark, naked truth of his sexuality was staring me in the face. Of course I began to cry, and realized that suddenly so much of who he is now made sense to me. I told him I still loved him because I did and I still do. This was not the reaction he was anticipating. He thought he would be packing his bags, heading for divorce court. We talked for several hours, very openly and honestly, something we had not done in a LONG time. He was not wanting to leave me and the kids and we agreed that we would try to work through this, wherever the road took us.

With that he was off the next day for three days and I was left in silence to ponder my own thoughts, shattered dream and new reality. We talked each night, he too was pondering where the future would take us, and wondering if he had made the biggest mistake of his life in telling me, yet at the same time relieved to no longer be keeping secretes from me. He told me it was my choice to tell whom I wanted and even see the Bishop. He had told his dad but not his mom. As I wondered around in a dazed fog for the next few days, part of me wanted to tell those closest to me and part of me wanted to say nothing. I chose a compromise of the two. I let his dad tell his mom, and she became a great confident for me. I did not tell my parents, but I did tell one of my siblings. I elected to call an aunt of mine. I told her because she is a counselor and always has good advice. One of the things she told me was when telling others to let them know that I wanted to be the teller of my own story, and please respect my privacy and not gossip. I appreciated that because I do want to tell my own story, and there is no one better to tell it than me.

I elected not to say anything to the Bishop or anyone in my ward, despite the fact I have some extremely close friends in the ward. There were several reasons I chose to remain silent. First my husband had not done anything that would require him to visit with the Bishop, so I saw no need for me to see the Bishop. My husband needs to be the teller of his own story. Second at that point I was not sure the journey we would be taking, and I did not want a bunch of unsolicited advice on how best for me to proceed. Let’s face it being gay and Mormon does carry social stigma. A lot of people would not understand my initial decision to stay with my husband and I did not want to be judged by those who have not walked in my shoes. So I remained silent. I have still remained silent. To this day no one in my ward knows. And no one other than the first few people I told, know. Even those I have told don’t exactly know how to provide support for me, other than to let me know they care. None of them live near me so my day to day struggle is largely unnoticed. I feel very alone and isolated, in this struggle. Despite that I do feel the love my Heavenly Father has for me and know that I am truly not alone.