Where am I now...

Six months later, where am I now....at a cross roads. I read a quote in Carol Lynn Pearson's book "No more goodbyes" that said "Do I smile because we are friends or cry because that is all we will ever be?" That is where I find myself today.


When he first came out he honestly thought I would kick him and out and divorce him. I did no such thing. I was too scared. I was scared of being alone, scared of being a single mom, scared of caring the stigma of being divorced, but mostly of being alone. Initially I thought it would be better to stay in this marriage, no matter how bad, than to be alone. I figured either way I would be alone, so why not be alone in a marriage where my children get to have a father, and we have some semblance of a home and family life. I have been re-thinking that lately. I am so lonely, sad, depressed and unhappy, that staying is clearly making me miserable so could being divorced really be that bad? Part of my sadness comes from the fact I still have expectations of him as a husband, and its hard to either let go of those expectations, or live with them. I know after six months I can't live with those unfulfilled expectations, so I need to let them go, however I don't know if I can let them go, without letting him go.....a question I ponder frequently.


I am also at a cross roads because for the first time in six months I feel like I have a choice. I did not have a choice when we got married. He knew about his same sex attraction, I did not. How fair was that to me??? It was NOT fair. I was entitled to enter into this marriage with full disclosure and there was none. Now there full disclosure and I have a choice to stay in the marriage or leave. It just a more difficult choice now, because we have children. I could not fathom this choice at first, but now with time I see that I can make a choice to stay or leave.