Emotions

When my husband first came out to me I was emotionally devastated, to the point of almost panic. I knew immediately I needed two things, medication and therapy. I got both. I called my OB/GYN for the medication and she put me on a low dose anti-depressant. It was nice because it took the edge off of my emotions, yet did not turn me into a zombie without feelings. I felt like I was still processing emotionally.

Recently I began to experience that wave of emotion again. I know it is directly tied into knowing the chances of remaining married and slow diminishing as both of us face new realities. It is a hard concept for me to admit, and I have not fully embraced the idea. In some part of my mind I just keep hoping that I am going to wake up from this bad dream, but I know that is just wishful thinking, and I am trying to focus on being present and realistic. I am trying to see things for how they are not how I wish or hope they would be. After suffering for about three weeks I decided I either needed a new medication or a higher dose because I have been pretty miserable, and all over the map emotionally. One minute I am happy, and the next I am reduced to tears. I feel like a freaking lunatic, because in the normal course of my existence I am one of the most sane people I know. My doctor doubled the dose and it should take about three weeks to kick in. I really hope that I don’t have to take medication forever, and that as I process through this I can wean myself off of it. For right now I know that if I were not on medication I could not function so it’s a good thing for the moment.

I have been thinking a lot lately about what it is going to take to get me to the place emotionally where I can function with some semblance of normalcy again. I know my emotionally highs and lows are directly tied to my husband and the attention I am receiving from him. If he is paying attention to me and I feel loved and happy. If I am getting ignored or perceive that he is ignoring me then it makes me want to cry. I know that I am way too dependant on him emotionally and that I need to extricate myself from that in order to be more mentally healthy. Part of that dependence is because I feel so crappy about myself right now that I am seeking validation that I am an ok person and that he still loves me. I do not doubt that he still loves me, its just I am not the love of his life. His allegiance is divided between me and his friends. We are both equally important to him At first I thought I could live with that, but as time goes on I realize that I am not good at sharing, and emotionally he can’t give up his friends.

So in order to continue on in this situation I have to emotionally detach myself from him. Another issue we have is he hates me having any sort of expectations of him. This also feeds into my emotional connection with him. If an expectation is unfulfilled then I think “well he does not love me” and it spirals down from there. In a marriage you have to have expectations of your spouse. You can’t just say “do what you want, let me know how it goes.” He wants to do what he wants to do and give me what he feels like giving, which I have to admit lately has been a lot, its just not been what I have needed or wanted. If I try to express what I would like or need he gets angry telling that I am not appreciative of what he is doing and that I have unrealistic expectations of him that he will never meet.

So I have begun to shut down emotionally with him. I am very appreciative of what he does do for me, and I just don’t ask for what I need or want. I try not to have any expectation of anything from him, and realize that if I need something I do it myself or get it from another person. I don’t open up to him, I don’t share with him. For the first time in our marriage I keep secretes from him. Little by little I feel myself pulling away from him emotionally. We will always be good friends and the emotional disconnect I am engaging in right now will preserve that friendship. He will be like a good girlfriend to whom I can talk to about superficial things, do nice things for and appreciate if something nice is done for me, but not have any expectations beyond that. I know it will never be a close marriage relationship with the kind of emotional intimacy I would like. I am beginning to realize I don’t think it is something he is capable of…at least not with me.