Alone - Part one

Whether or not you are in or out of a MOHO marriage, you are alone. I am not sure one is better than the other. They both SUCK.

For me when I was married, during the last year that we lived together, although we were physically together as a couple, he had "checked" out of the marriage. He had admitted he was gay, and was exploring a whole new set of feelings and emotions that I was not a part of. It became a very incomplete marriage. As I contemplated our future, I knew that if we did stay together, he would never be "there." He would always wish and want to be elsewhere, perhaps not all the time, but it would be a repeated issued. His coming out in many ways made me go in. For the first six months I told no one. After that it was limited to a very few select members of my family, and after about 8 months my two best friends.

Why did I wait? I needed time. I needed to see how this was going to play out, without the input of others. Also this was not entirely my story to tell. In large part it was my ex-husband's story as well. I could not tell his story without his permission. (Note, he did not ask that of me, I felt that way.) Because so few people knew, I carried this burden alone. Even when others knew, I still carried this burden alone, because while they could be compassionate, they honestly had no clue the depths of emotion I felt.

So there I sat in my marriage, alone. No partner, no friend, only a person who was changing before my eyes. Even as I accepted the changes I was still alone. Alone in the fact that I could not provide or give to him what he needed. Alone in the fact that I would NEVER be able to provide or give him what he needed.

Just so very alone.

Broken

I feel very broken right now. I don't feel whole. I feel like a shattered person. How can I not? Nearly everything I have known has changed or been challenged in the last two years.

In. Every. Aspect. Of. My. Life.

I want to heal, I really do, but life just seems to be getting in the way of healing. I feel like I am in the middle of cyclone, with objects continually being thrown at me. I deflect one object, only to have another object come hurling toward me. And I am left wondering how long can I continue to deflect objects? Will the objects ever stop coming? Will they slow down? At some point in time, aren't the objects going to run out?

I think I have reached my maximum capacity to deal with life and something new happens and I realize I have to reach, I have to grow, I have to extend and expand myself further than I thought possible. And I do it.

In this reaching, expanding, and growing, I am not alone. Quite often I feel alone, but I am not alone. I have good friends, I have family members that love me, but most importantly I have a Heavenly Father who knows, who understands, who care. But most importantly, who loves.

Tender mercy....

Its spring break right now and as a result the kids and I are enjoying some relaxing "down" time, not only because school is not in session, but also all their activities for the week are also on break.

All day today I kept thinking I needed to get some hamburger out of the freezer for dinner. As the day wore on, and I got distracted I never made it to the freezer. Around 4:30 I decided I needed to head to the grocery store and pick up some unfrozen meat for dinner. My original plan was to go to a store that is about a two miles from my house. There is a grocery store that is much closer, its a very small store, and EVERYONE from my neighborhood shops there, and quite frankly I had not gotten in the shower yet, and just really didn't feel like seeing anyone. (I told you we were being lazy!) As I was driving down the hill, I made a last minute decision to go to the store closest to my house.

I walked in, and was literally only 20 feet in the door when I ran into a woman in my ward. This particular women is a school teacher, so she too was on spring break. This women has a gay husband. I have known for about a year her husband was gay, because my ex-husband and her husband have a mutual friend in common. Up until last fall she did not know my husband was gay. Several months ago when both of us realized we were "soul" sisters, or at least members of an exclusive club, we agreed to get together and talk. It never happened, because of well, life. As a teacher she is exceptionally busy during the school year, and well I already told you what the last few months of my life have been like.

I stood there in the produce section, we connected. Finally a moment together when we were not encumbered by kids, work, church, or life. We shared, we cried, she understood, I understood.

Although our husbands have chosen different paths, (she and her husband are still together and both active in the church) we knew the pain we both felt. She is further along in her journey than me, and gave me some words of comfort.

After about a half hour we departed, and as I drove home I could not help but feel an overwhelming amount of love from my heavenly father for allowing our paths to cross today.

Forgiveness....

So often over the course of the last few years this journey has seemed like it has been all about my ex-husband. His admitting he was gay, his coming out, his changing, his leaving, his becoming an "authentic" person. HIM, HIS, HIM.

What about me? I have often left felt left behind, as he has ventured forward, brought new ideas and people into my life and expected me to accept unconditionally. Quite often any feelings I have had on the matter have been brushed away or set aside, as inconsequential, and trivial.

But this journey is not just about HIM, its about ME as well. Its about me learning, growing, struggling, and becoming a better person. For me its about forgiveness. I have to forgive him. I have to take all the angry, hate, and feelings of betrayal, and work through those emotions, so I can forgive. I can't heal until I can forgive. That is MY journey.