All weekend I have been struggling with self-doubt and feeling sorry for myself. I have been feeling sorry for myself because I really want to be in a relationship and be married. I want an eternal companion, and I thought I had one..... It seems as if all around me I see cute couples holding hands, loving each other, and here I stand ALONE. Its completely unfair.
I try to have faith that when the time is right Heavenly Father will let me know and I can begin looking. Currently the time is not right. I have emotional wounds to heal, I have spiritual development I need, I have children to who need time to adjust to the new normal, I have people who's lives I need to affect, I need to adjust to the new normal, and let go of the old... It is not the right time.... I. HAVE. TO. WAIT.
I hate to wait. As a child I opened my Christmas presents early. I scouted the house for all the hiding places of unopened Christmas presents, I had to know the sex of each child the minute it was possible, and pushed my doctors for an early delivery. Waiting is not my speciality, which is probably why the Lord is going to make me wait....I need to learn that virtue.
As I felt pity for myself for the last few days that everyone else gets a "happy ever after," I knelt in prayer on Saturday night and poured out my heart to he Lord. Told him of my struggles, my desires, which of course he already knew, and asked for more faith that the future would work its self out in due course of time.
Sunday was a great day. It is highly unusual for me to get ANYTHING out of sacrament meeting with three small children. But despite every moment of my time being diverted from by one child or another, I heard the message. It was President Uchtdorf's conference talk on "Lift where you stand." Although it was originally directed to the brethren in the priesthood session, our Stake President thought the message was universal for all within our stake. The speakers both talked on affecting the lives of those around us by serving. Equally as good was Relief Society where we focused on Elder Holland's talk on Angels. I left church feeling spiritually renewed and so thankful that I can go to church and feel peace.
My home teachers then came over in the afternoon. Rather than give me a message from conference they chose to focus their message on negative thoughts and self doubt, reminding me that all negative thoughts come from Satan and his worshipers, as they strive to bring us down, and that the LORD will never leave us and all things good and positive come from him. It was just the message I needed to hear. I thanked them and they told me it was the message they felt inspired to give. How could they have known...they couldn't have without the help of the LORD. HE heard me, and they listened to HIS prompting, and brought HIS words of comfort to me. They left with a blessing on my house that my house would be a house of peace and refuge and that the negative spirits will not dwell here as long as we invite the spirit to be here.
HE hears, HE listens.
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3 comments:
Isn't it wonderful when He seems to send a message that is meant just for you?! I love it when that happens, and when I am in tune enough to recognize it.
My heart aches for you. I have been secretly hoping that being apart would help you both realize what you had lost and somehow bring you back together. But alas, it seems for many that this is not to be the case.
But don't think that your life has been going the wrong direction all these years. I believe that there is a oftentimes a reason for the things that happen in our lives, and we may not fully understand the reasons for many years.
An example of this very thing is Scott's brother's mission call. He was called to Paris, and was ecstatic! While he was in the MTC, he was diagnosed with diabetes. He came home for a month and then received a new call to New York.
The first 6 months of his mission were very difficult for him. He could not understand how an inspired mission call could change like that.
Finally, he got in the groove and had some great experiences. I think he even got to teach a french-speaking family in New York.
But the kicker was that 2 months after he got home, he married a girl that he met in his first MTC district. If he had not been called to France first, he would not have met her in the MTC.
It would be so much easier if we could see exactly why our lives head the way they do, but He knows all things, and He loves us, and a wonderful reward is in store for each of us.
Hang in there. I think you are handling things great. I'm not sure if I would do so well if I were in your shoes.
Sarah:
Thanks for you comments, I agree things happen for a reason, and you just never know. The job I have right now is a prime example of being directed by the Lord and not having a clue why for several years.
I hope too that time apart will soften his heart and he will want to return to the gospel, but I am not sure that is going to happen. Both his mother and I agree he has not "bottomed" out yet.
Although on a brighter note, I actually had a conversation with him tonight and it was the first decent talk we have had in 6 weeks. Nothing deep, he was just acting normal and not sulking around, and we were able to just talk. The conversation was nice and it reminded me why I LOVE him and why I miss him.... Its been very business between us for several weeks. He just finished a big project for work, so I am sure that was part of the problem as to why we were not communicating.
I really appreciate you love, care and concern. I admire how you and scott are working through everything together. I really wish I could get him to read your blogs, or Bravone's blog, or even John Gault, along with his update on Beck's blog. Maybe he could catch a glimpse of what he is giving up, and realize that the grass is not greener on the other side, its just different grass.
Thanks for the reminder that He is there and cares for us. I am grateful that you have some around you who are in tune with the spirit and able to help. I wish there was more I could do.
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