For as long as I have known my husband, (its hard to break the habit of calling him that, and technically we are still married) he has been running, I don't mean in the literal sense, but rather figuratively. For him it is always about the destination and never about the journey, and once arrived at the destination, it then becomes about the next destination. The road to the destination always has to be the fast lane, and no bathroom breaks are allowed.
It used to annoy the hell out of me, and in fact it still does. For example last week-end we took the kids out to a restaurant for my birthday, and we had about two minutes to look at the menu before he wanted to order. We ate, and no sooner had the last bite gone into the kids mouth and he was seeking the waiter for the bill. There was no reason for us to be in a hurry, we had no where to go, no deadline to meet, the kids were well behaved. I have never sat in a restaurant with him and just enjoyed a leisurely meal. When we go to extended family's house for dinner, he wants to leave as soon as dinner is over with and is uncomfortable just sitting and visiting. Of course he hate parties, unless he his hosting, and can be busy the whole time and not have to interact with people.
There is a park close to our house and during the summer I like to take the kids there after dinner and let them play. Very rarely did he ever go with me. It would have been impossible for him just to sit and enjoy watching the kids play. He has a difficult time relaxing and enjoying the simple things in life. Everything needs to be grand and expensive to be worth anything.
I know it sounds like he has AAHD, but he is capable of spending hours playing a video game or talking on IM with his friends.
It recently struck me that perhaps he is running from himself. If he does not have to stop running then he does not have to examine what is working in his life and what is not, hence facing difficult realities. I am sure a significant portion of it has to do with being gay, and not wanting to admit it to himself or others. Even now he is out of the closet he still has a difficult time accepting that is who he is. He still wants to live in both worlds, or at least have the benefit of both worlds, without the cost of either one.
It is also running from social situations. On the computer he can hide, or at least control was is revealed about him. I think in social settings he runs because if he stops long enough someone might either form a bond and get close to him, and intimacy scares the hell out of him, or realize he is gay and judge him.
I know hiding who he is for the last ....( lets just say its been a few years, but not a whole lot of years) has been emotionally very hard on him. He has been pretending to be something he is not, in a world and culture that devalues what he is. He believes since coming out he has now become an "authentic" person, and he is becoming who he really is, yet he still runs....still seeks, still wants....
In many ways it makes me sad. He is chases rainbows, hoping for that pot of gold, he always looks around the corner to see what might be ahead, he always thinks pastures are greener on the other side, he knows somewhere out there is the magical answer for what will make him happy. Yet if he were to slow down long enough he might realize the happiness he seeks is right in front of him in the form of a wife and children who love him and only want his time and attention.
Sometimes the slow lane of life is good....
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2 comments:
Hi. Me again. :)
Just a couple of observations...
His ability to lose himself in a video game or IM conversation doesn't necessarily preclude ADHD. Folks with ADD (with or without the hyperactive component) aren't completely unable to focus. If I manage to get into something that interests me, I can get way into it, to the exclusion of everything else. It's just staying focused on tasks that don't completely engage my interest that's challenging.
That said, his tendency to want to cut family visits short as soon as dinner is over (along with other things you've mentioned in past posts) does seem to indicate an aversion to situations that may require him to get close to people or open himself up. I'm sure that this is at least partly due to his need to hide his "real" self for the last several years (as you've observed).
I've never been extremely comfortable with extended family or with my in-laws, very possibly for the same reason. Since accepting my orientation and finding peace with who I am, I'm finding that I have a lot more confidence in social situations than I used to. Perhaps your husband will see the same change.
I was blessed to be able to go from complete denial of my orientation to total acceptance in a very short time. I know that it takes longer (sometimes a lot longer) for most people. Perhaps, even though he has outwardly indicated an acceptance of who he is, your husband still carries some of the shame and self-loathing that our society and religion tend to foster in us gay folk. Hopefully in time that will fade.
I can understand how your husband feels, as I have always been hiding the real me, because the 'real' me was a hideous thing that desired unnatural things.
I am able to relax, but I do avoid spending any down time with my father-in-law, which is a long story. I avoid people who think negatively about me, but sometimes it is different with my mother who does have quite negative views of me, but I do crave to be accepted by her.
In any case, I can relate, and I do hope that your ex can learn to relax some. Life is too short without being able to breathe.
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