I am a mason, I’ll bet you did not know that. I am building walls. Okay, not in physical sense, but in an emotional sense. I can feel it. I can feel brick by brick the wall getting taller every day, and probably being reinforced with steel. It’s a barrier, but you know of course because it is my wall the stone work is gorgeous.
I never want to feel this vulnerable and hurt again, I won’t if I build that wall and refuse to let anyone in. I have good cause to build this wall. For the last twenty years, with the exception of my children, anyone who I have allowed to penetrate that wall has left me, abandon me. Some have left willingly, some have left unwillingly. I either event I am left to pick up the pieces and move on. Alone, by myself, relying on myself, as usual.
I wonder what it would be like to have a true partner. Someone who loves you unconditionally, someone to be with you through thick and thin, willing to accept challenges and meet them head on, not run away. I doubt in this life I will ever know that….
Then I think about one of my favorite songs, “The Dance” whose message is I could have missed the pain but I would have missed the dance. The dance was good, very, very good. I am glad I did not miss the dance. I am thankful for the opportunity to dance.
Anyone know a good wrecking crew? I have a wall or two that needs some work…..
About Me
- Pieces of Me
- I am the former wife of a gay Mormon man. We were married more than 10 years but less than 20. We have three children. He has always known he was gay, I did not....He came out in early 2008. In some ways I feel like this glass called my life was dropped on the sidewalk in front of me and shattered into 1000 little pieces. I am walking along pickup up each small piece of glass, putting it into a box for reassembly later, knowing the glass reassembled will no longer appear as it once did. This blog represents my journey to reassemble the shattered remains.
1 comment:
Have you read "The Peacegiver" by James Ferrell? I read it a couple of years ago for book club and loved it. Lately I have remembered some of its messages and thought that I needed to read it again. Today, while I am sick at home and my family is all gone to church, I decided to open it and start reading. I didn't get very far when I decided I needed to come comment on your blog and make sure you have read it. If you have, maybe it is time for a re-read. You can borrow my copy if you want. :)
I haven't heard from you for a while. Email and let me know how you are really doing. I will be at Kengo's next Saturday night and would like to deliver your girl scout cookies to you! Cookies can always help knock down a few walls, too.
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