Angels

I have decided I want to be an angel. I have been thinking about this for a while. I am a great mother, excel at my job, a really good friend, and a nice person and have my life together in every aspect except the relationship category. During a recent conversation with my husband it was pointed out that I am too controlling, too blunt and have no filter. Apparently it’s the tone of my voice, it’s condescending and intolerant, or at least it was to him.

When it comes to guys, especially in the LDS culture, I already have several strikes against me. First and foremost I don’t fit the mold, never have never will. I am a strong woman. I question things, people and ideas. I take very few things I face value. I have to know and understand for myself. I am cynical. Can’t help it, my sweetness was stolen by all the criminals I prosecuted. I am smart, and to a lot of guys that scares the shit out of them. I can go toe to toe intellectually with most anyone. That does not mean I am combative, to the contrary, I like to hear new ideas and view points, and consider those ideas and view points, even if they differ from mine. I love a good conversation. At my age it is unlikely I am going to change, and I am certainly not going to pretend to be something I am not.

You have to me a really secure man to be in a relationship with me. Most guys my age have not hit that secure stage yet. I have to say I like older guys, they are secure, have interesting life experience and generally are not out to prove anything. They can appreciate a women who can actually talk to them and engage their mind, as well as their……well you know what I mean. The problem with older guys, is they are beyond the “family” phase and I have young children.

So I have resigned myself that being an angel is the Celestial Kingdom will be just fine….after all can you really see me as a “second” wife?

More pieces....

It was bound to happen. It was only a matter of time. I knew I could not avoid it forever.

My husband has a new “friend” whom I will call Mr. T. I first heard about him from my children. He had been at my husband’s house several weekends in a row. The kids talked glowingly about him and how much fun he was. It did not take long for me to conclude this was probably an individual my husband was interested in. My curiosity got the best of me and during a conversation we were having I asked, and yes I was told that this was a potential love interest, however Mr. T was bothered that my husband was still married. (I guess I should write a note of apology for holding out some hope of salvaging things….)

Then it happened…..Tuesday morning I was checking Facebook to see what was going on in the world, or at least the world of those people I consider my friends. I notice that a mutual friend my husband I have in common was tagged in an album on Facebook. It was an album of a party for the Academy Awards that I knew my husband attended on Sunday night. I began to look at the photos….and there it was, a photo of my husband sitting on the couch, cuddling, and holding hands with an individual I presume to be Mr. T. It was a sucker punch to the gut…..

At first I was in shock, not believing what was actually in front of my face. Then as the day wore on the reality sank in. Mr. T was sitting, cuddling, holding hands with the man I still wished would sit, cuddle and hold hands with me. Intellectually I knew this was not about me, but I am still waiting for someone to explain it to my emotions. I could not have felt more rejected, more cast off, more useless to the man I still love. I can’t give him what he needs, what he wants, what he values. And for all the success I have had in my life, for all the things I have accomplished, I can’t do the one thing that means the most…..at least to me…