Recently I was watching an old episode of Oprah. She had on a couple of guests who were talking about female sexuality. One guest was a professor who had done a study and completed a paper on what women want and need in a sexual relationship. Much to my surprise she indicated that DESIRE was the number one thing women needed.
Regardless of whether or not they were having sex, women wanted to feel desired. I pondered on that, or rather gnawed on that for a few days. Its true.
What do girls do when going out with a guy they desire? They primp. They carefully select their outfit, they do their hair fancy, they put on makeup, all with the hopes of being desirable to their date. There is something that is boosting to a women's self esteem to be desired by a guy she finds desirable.
The same is true in marriage, but in a different format. For a lot of women in marriage it is subconscious need. If she and her husband are regularly having sex, its probably not something she even ponders. But if the sex stops, in other words the husband seems disinterested, that yearning for desire kicks in. Suddenly she beings to wonder what is wrong? Am I too fat, do I need to wear more make up? Sexy clothing? What is so horrible about me that he does not desire me?
Mixed orientation marriage only compound this problem. Do I believe that a man who has same sex attraction can successfully have sex with a women? Of course I do, I have three kids to prove it. In the beginning of our marriage when he was younger, and suppressing his feelings, he was capable of having a sexual relationship with me and desiring me. Probably due in part to the horniness of youth. As time when on, it became more difficult. I was not what turned him on. I was not what he desired. We still had sex, and he still wanted to please me, out of his love for me, but I didn't feel desired. It devastated me. It devastated my self esteem. It brought me to a low I had never felt before. Intellectually I knew it was not about me, but someone forgot to explain that to my emotions.
Even now I still struggle. I still wonder what is wrong with me. I am too fat, I am too ugly, I am too (fill in the blank with any irrational thought). Is it too much to hope that someday I will feel differently? That someday I will be in a relationship where I do feel desired, feel complete, feel totally loved. A relationship that will heal the wounds of this one.
Yet I can't sit around waiting for that relationship, I have got to fix myself. I have to tell the intellectual side of me to have a chat with the emotional side of me, and tell the emotional side of me to quit having such irrational thoughts. Because none of those thoughts are true. It is not about me, it never was.
Yet I still hope, that someday....desire.